There’s a long list, or even better, a fuckin’ plethora of reasons why women think men are shitheads and I thought of yet another one while driving home today from the grocery: how men will go through so much trouble to get laid and when they finally do it’s like we don’t give a fuck. It’s baffling and must be very confusing for women. When a man sees a woman he finds attractive and by attractive I mean a woman he wants to fuck because let’s not try to delude ourselves with any other reason why a man would ever talk to a woman. It’s just the truth, I’m just saying. For the women reading who are married or in serious relationships there isn’t a doubt in my mind that your man doesn’t love you because I’m sure he does, but in the beginning, in the very, very, beginning it was nothing more than him wanting to fuck you. It’s the truth - don’t hoodwink yourself into thinking any differently. You can even go ask and he’ll say, “No baby, of course not. I’m not like that, I instantly loved you for you.”
Uh, huh. Then he’s going to think of how he’s going to kick my ass the next time he sees me. It’s the truth. The dude saw you out, had however many beers it took to make you attractive (just kidding!!!) and eventually made his move. He complimented your sweet smile and sparkling eyes and soon enough had your contact inside his phone. You both left the party feeling warm, but for different reasons.
Homeboy went home to jerk off with the thought of your panties laid out over his nose and you watching The Notebook while picturing the two of you as the lead roles. He’s no Ryan Gosling, but you’re no Rachel McAdams. Homie eventually calls and the first date is set up. Typically dinner and drinks or if he’s a real dork maybe a movie. I say that because once making the mistake of asking a pretty girl to a movie and she looked at me like I was a complete moron before I could shout out, “JUST KIDDING!!! Let’s go get vodka and play pool.”
No one wants to sit next to someone they don’t know for two hours without talking. That’s fucking weird. So the dude takes you to dinner, listens carefully to every last story, pays the tab, leaves the big tip, smile, smile, smile, compliments your outfit, your hair, picks his nose when not looking and next stop the bar where only more of this follows. Compliments, compliments, compliments, or I don’t know, I don’t do that shit, but what I hear from the tables around me. A dude will put so much effort into convincing his date he’s anything but a shithead and then later proves he’s anything but. Come date three or four, or however many it takes (by the way none of this applies to girls who fuck on the first date, because you should just be happy if he ever calls you again.) However many outings it takes for a woman to decide it’s time to “bone down.” Put out, fuck, spread, toad the wet sprocket, whatever the kids are calling it these days. After all the shit a man goes through, his dream finally comes true and what does he do?! Dude crams it in dry, pumps away as fast as possible before pulling out to blow his shit on her thigh before she can even dial in how big his dick is. Or maybe he doesn’t pull out at all and just goes limp in her chest. Either way, it’s like wtf?! That’s all she gets?? After all the hoopla and courting, he’s gonna plow through this as if there’s a checkered flag hanging out her ass?! Women must be bewildered and dazed and have no other choice but believe men are morons. Why try so hard for something you don’t even take your time with or care to enjoy for more than 4 minutes? Why put forth so much effort to only drop off in the end? I feel a bit silly writing this now because clearly it shouldn’t happen to a man in his thirties - this is more of an early 20’s thing. Then again, I wish this kind of shit happened to me now because that either means I’m on a date with the most voluptuous woman in Texas or sex for me is like the first time every time for the rest of my life. Would that be a nightmare or completely awesome? I’m not sure.
Anyhoo, what the hell was I talking about? Laziness? Now all I’m thinking about is the first time I had sex. That’s a funny story, but think I’ve already told it. The point here is men can’t stop for three seconds and take 5 or 6 deep breaths before reaping the benefits of all their hard work. It’s kind of strange when you think about it. Sex for men is like chocolate cake for chicks. No woman on earth is going to wait for a clean fork when a fresh piece of black gold is put on her place mat. She’ll snort that shit up her nose faster than her date can blame his premature ejaculation on how “pretty she is.”
