I recently 69’ed with a woman and I use the term “woman” loosely because this girl is/was twenty years old. I use the word “was” because I don’t really talk to her anymore even though just an hour ago she text messaged me a picture of her holding a bud of weed. Wtf? Little kook. Maybe she thought I would be drunk because that’s the only time I give a shit about pot, but she doesn’t even know that. I’ve told this person nothing about myself. I didn’t bother responding to her text message because I would have been rude and maybe one day I might want to f#$% her again?
Who knows.
I’m still a bit freaked from the 69 experience. Old people don’t like that shit. It’s clearly for kids and I still have no idea why I did it. We were in my recliner making out and I would have been perfectly happy with fucking her there out of laziness, but she wanted to be in my bed. Maybe she thinks if pleasuring me where I sleep I’ll develop feelings for her or something? I don’t know. I followed her into my bedroom and she rewarded me with a blow job (the first she’s given me.)
This is a very special moment for men.
We were completely naked by this point, I’m on my back and she’s doing that thing where a woman is blowing you while up on her knees with her ass pointed up in the left corner of the bed next to your head. This always annoys me because I feel as if they’re doing this because wanting their vagina pleasured while doing this amazing thing for you. See how selfish they are? I don’t want to fumble with their confusing rubik’s cube right now - it’s too distracting. I just want to lay there and savor every last second of my wee wee being massaged with their tongue. Everyone knows good blow jobs are better than sex, but I’m guessing pretty boring for the girls giving them. This is why they swing their pussies up in your face.
I started feeling guilty and soon took the bait.
But I’m a 65 year old thirty-three year old, only in life at this point to make myself laugh and pulled her box in my mouth by her poopy hole. Ignoring her vagina, I put my index finger right in her butt and pulled her over to my face using nothing more than that finger. It must of felt pretty strange for her to be pulled in any direction by nothing more than her ass. I was actually laughing and made her laugh too because I seriously doubt any of the 20 year old boys she’s currently fucking have ever done this before.
Neither have I.
It just seemed like some gangster ass shit to do at the time. It completely backfired in my mouth though. Never go down on a horny woman without first fingering her or wiping her cooch with the back of your hand. I don’t enjoy a mouthful of freshly baked, first-up, coochie cream. It’s a bit overwhelming. That first out vagina coating is always super gnarly tasting. Why is that? Because it’s full of all day flower filth? I don’t know the answer, but pretty much loath it. Unless of course it’s like Miranda Kerr or something because that woman could tell me she wants to shit in my mouth because it will really turn her on and I’d be like, “Okay cool, but just please don’t ever walk out of my life.”
So there I am trying to choke this cream pie down and now trapped in the world’s worst sexual position. The second women get into a 69 position they instantly drop in the giving great head-a-meter. My theory is women typically like the boy more than the boy likes them so it feels better for them to be orally stimulated. A stronger connection is happening. One second they’re fully concentrating on trying to give you the best head of your life in order to make you want to marry them and then all the sudden it’s like, “OMG! Fuck yeah! He’s like totally licking my pussy right now!”
Then they probably start worrying over if it might stink or taste like shit and pretty much ignore your dick. I mean it’s still there in their mouths, but they could really give a fuck. 69’ing is awful. Plus I’m convinced it’s very strange for a woman to suck a dick upside down. I don’t know, it just seems weird to me. Your balls and choad are like RIGHT THERE in their eyeballs and nose. I always think they’re avoiding staring at my balls by staring at my feet, my wiggling toes and only mind fuck the entire situation (I wiggle my toes when happily aroused and it actually helps bring me to orgasm. Weird.) Meanwhile our noses are basically inside their asses, but men are pigs and love that shit. Why do you think we like doggy style sex so much? It’s because we can see your buttholes. (That was weird because I wrote that sentence as if only women are reading.)
If you’re a woman reading this you should really pay more attention to your poo poo cannon and upkeep because it’s all we’re staring at. This girl actually won’t let me have doggy style sex with her. Can you believe that shit? That’s like asking, “Okay, now what is your most favorite cherished sex position because we won’t be doing that. Ever”
Still excited? She claims it’s too painful for her. I don’t care enough to explain it’s like butt sex and gets easier with each time, but mostly refuse to believe no other man has broken her of this habit. I think she’s lying and saving this “special thing” for when I finally ask her to by my girlfriend or something? Women are fucking weird. Like when they’ll give you a hand job, but not suck your dick because they only save that for their “boyfriends.”
Whatever.
You’re already doing one slutty thing, why not another? Men can’t stand that and it instantly makes the hand job lick balls because knowing we have to muster up a nut to this mediocre sexual bullshit. Dating is just the worst shit in the world. I sometimes believe I fucked up by not marrying the first woman willing to say yes. Can you imagine 69’ing your wife? Are you kidding me? She’d probably turn around and slap the shit out of you. I’m guessing. It’s stupid and childish, it’s definitely not horny and should only be done once every 3 years by serious couples who are completely fucking wasted on New Years and want something to laugh about in the morning. Or what if your wife gave you a hand job anywhere else but inside a movie theater? You’d look at her like she’s fucking retarded.
I would.
69’ing and hand jobs that don’t lead to blow jobs are two of my most least favorite things. I managed to get out of this 69 by announcing it was time for intercourse. That pretty much sucked too. Wow, look at what a little ungrateful fuck I am! I don’t want to go into the real reason I wasn’t into this girl because it would come across extremely rude and inconsiderate. What if she read this one day? Like this day. She’d be fucking bummed and I’m not the asshole you think I am. I enjoy making people laugh and gag and hang on to my every word - not women talking their older psychotic uncles into beating the shit out of me. I feel like I’m 80 years old and that makes everything hurt more.
