I’ve been reading for miles so now I feel the need to write something. Nothing really comes to mind. BTW: if you’re a woman reading this and sometimes wonder how the hell to make a guy cum already because you’re totally “over it” and your pussy hurts - fake an orgasm. Softly mumble some shit like, “Oh my fucking God, I’m about to cum so hard. Don’t stop!!
Nothing is hornier than making a woman cum and he will explode inside you faster than you can roll your eyes at the ceiling. I always hear women bitching about men fucking them for too long. Men think they’re being the shit, but really fucking as fast as possible to an orgasm is tits. You don’t have to make a woman cum every time. Sometimes it’s cute for them to see what a pussy you are and then they can go back to mentally murdering whatever bitch is fucking up their life at the moment.
Maybe I should write a guide to sex? That could be fun, but I’m really not all that qualified. I’m not like an expert fucker. I be trickin’ bitches by fucking girls ten years younger than me. If you fuck a 23 year old chick longer than a Doritos commercial she thinks you’re all cool and experienced which really means old. If I fucked a grown woman right now she would probably laugh at me. I’m a lazy fucker. I just lay there and let them ride me to orgasm. Women fucking hate this. They love to ride, but don’t like it for the entire session. They of course want to be “rammed” at the end and I’m too fucking lazy. Anytime I crawl up on top of a chick my imagination is like “Ugh, how long do I have to do this?”
I think it’s because it’s been so long since I’ve had sex with a woman I was in love with. I’m jaded. Younger chicks will ride you until beads of sweat start trickling down their foreheads. They’re too terrified to stop because they just want to please your old ass and think this is how adult people fuck. I don’t know, I just made that last part up. A grown woman won’t put up with that shit for a minute. The second she gets tired you’re doing all the fucking from here on out and you best be making her cum.
Anyhoo, I want to write a “guide” to something like the kind of shit I read in Vice Magazine. Gavin McInnes is a genius and I want to be just like him - if only I could grow a proper mustache and know everything in the world. I’m shit. I’m fat. I’m just kidding, that made me laugh. But seriously, what can I write a fucking guide to? What do I know a lot about? I want to write one and submit it to Vice. It has to be “cool crowd” if that makes any sense. Something edgy and witty and funny, but cooler than you. I’ve gotta start out with some shit like, “Can you imagine giving birth to Van Halen? Not like the band members babies, but a Van Halen song playing in the back ground.”
That’s some next level shit and I’m not fucking cool enough to write it. I need a proper drug habit and then get sober through rehab because nothing is cooler and gives a person more street cred. That or be gay because David Sedaris is the funniest writer alive at the moment. No one can touch him. David Cross is closest, but no cigar. Basically what that means is either I need to start doing cocaine everyday or suck someone’s cock. Isn’t it amazing how doing one of those two things will make me a more entertaining author? I can’t even imagine what kind of shit my imagination would come up with if I had a dick in my mouth. I’d rather do the cocaine. Drinking makes people look fat and shitty. I need a new habit. What drug can I piss a year of my life away doing? I don’t feel like I have many left on this earth and need to start making them count.
Jesse’s guide coming soon…
