I’m in love with Lesley Arfin. I want to move to New York City, sit in underground bars listening to “You’re A Wolf” by Sea Wolf and hear her tell me about her childhood. Then I want to make out with her drunk on the hood of someone’s car. I think she’s alarmingly creative and don’t even care that she’s flat. She keeps everything super fucking girly and gay and I love it. Reading her shit makes me feel like I’m 14 again and obsessing over fingering a girl for the first time. Lesley claims to be “wifey material” and I believe her. I tried to add her on Facebook, I wonder if she’ll approve me? I don’t want to marry some boring shallow twat. I want to be with a woman who inspires me to be better creatively and constantly remind me that life isn’t meant to be taken seriously. It’s just a place for the two of us to go out and fuck up in. She’ll probably want a fucking kid at some point. She’s also best friends with that Chloe Sevegny chick and the sight of her makes me feel dirty and not “dirty” like I want to have sex, but dirty like I just witnessed a dead dog on the road.
I function so much better when in a relationship. This might be a shock to the people who think I’m a homosexual, but I’m too much of a dude when single. I’ll eat pizza for every meal and be at the bar every night. I wake up in the morning with french fries in my sheets. I’ll smoke pot. I’ll jack off three times a day. I’m a wreck when single. Girlfriends are like life saviors to me.
I’m going to write Lesley a Facebook message and introduce myself. Then I’m going to suggest catching a flight to New York in order to take her on a date. Bitches love dates. She likes the show Scrubs, I like the show Scrubs. She loves heroin, I love the idea of watching her do it. She also can’t stand it when guys put baby powder on their balls because apparently it taste like shit and I would never do that. Yep, we’d be perfect together.
Jesse & Lesley 4ever.
