I want to try my hand at stand up comedy. I go to the House of Rock on open mic night in order to listen to the other comedians. It looks fun and I think maybe I would enjoy the feeling of being on stage to make drunk people laugh (or ask themselves what the hell is wrong with me.) I’ve even prepared my very first bit and what follows is just that.
I only need now to memorize the whole thing.
“I am not a monster, I just have a somewhat warped sense of humor. Like for instance, whenever I see a woman with an ass so perfect it looks like a backwards “p”, I can’t help but imagine what it might look like in between? Let’s say if I were to pull it apart with both hands and peek inside as if searching for treasure. Does she have one of those pretty pink buttholes, or one of those dark waxy green assholes one can see his own fingerprint in after touching? For the record I prefer the first example, but willing to work with the second if she’s not trying to make me French kiss it. I have nothing against this woman and realize her weird olive green butthole is completely out of her hands. You know the ones I’m talking about, we’ve all seen them in pornography movies. It’s typically a white girl with blond hair and pale skin. Everything is going great until she bends over and spreads her butt apart. That’s when everything stops. I’m no longer jerking off. “The Feeling” isn’t coming. The entire operation has been put on hold until I can figure out what the hell is wrong with this woman’s asshole. Are porn stars not even wiping anymore? Have their schedules become so busy?
“No time to wipe now! I gotta go suck this guy’s dick!!”
Of course she doesn’t flush neither. Or have men became so perverted we’re willing to jerk off to a woman who appears to have smeared some kind of flavored green butter between her ass cheeks? I can’t jack off to that. I don’t like green buttholes. They look sea-sick and about to yack all over the sheets. This isn’t at all what I signed up for and to top it off she’s got one of those bright red lines up her butt crack. I hate that red line almost as much as I loath the small reversed dimple some girl’s have at the top of their cracks. Sometimes it’s not a dimple at all, but the tail end of their spine protruding through their skin like some kind of reptile nightmare. I’m only trying to get some of that from behind and have to stare at this fuckin’ dinosaur tail?! Come on girl, I can’t orgasm to that. Would it be too inappropriate if I put a Band-Aid over that? It’s bad enough she’s got this red mark up her ass as if God himself marked her defective, but the bitch has a turtle tail, too?!
I can’t deal with this.
It’s too much for my senses. The waxy green asshole, the red Sharpie mark and the turtle tail creepily wagging back & forth? No. I’m sorry, but I can’t go any further with this. I’ll be the bigger man and explain I’m too drunk to have sex.
“I’m feeling pukey, baby.”
Works every time.
I can’t be honest. I can’t tell her the truth. There isn’t any need to pile more shit on top of the huge mound of self-inflicting thoughts already racing through her mindset. But I mean, honestly. She knows what her situation looks like from behind. Every woman in this room has at one time used a foundation mirror to inspect her own asshole. Is it too hairy? Need bleaching? Does it close all the way after butt sex?
These are the questions a woman must ask herself and it does raise an interesting one for myself: do I even know what my own asshole looks like in the mirror? I think I’ve seen it maybe once, but could I pick it out of a line up if it were matched up with other assholes?
These are criminal buttholes.
(Police voice) “Sir, could you please point out which asshole is was that shitted all over your boxer shorts?”
“Yes, I believe it was my own, but I’m sorry - they all look the same.”
Anyhow, you get what I’m saying. A woman could very easily pick her own asshole out of a police line up, whereas a man wouldn’t have a chance in hell. So with that in mind, a woman knows whether or not she has a pleasant pink butthole or a dark waxy green nightmare and if having the choice. “From behind” should be the last answer when asked how she wants it. Let’s show a little respect - that’s all I’m saying. My eurotrash cock isn’t circumcised and you don’t see me ripping it out in some poor girl’s face without any warning. That’s how you make girls scream in the wrong way. I mean if I were a chick, how would I feel if some dude yanked his dick out and the shit looked like it was still wearing its church clothes? This is a time for sinning, I don’t want to think about Grandpa.
I prefer to keep my dick in my pants until the woman goes investigating for herself. That way she can get a hand on it and decide if whether or not she’d like to put that in her mouth. It’s called common decency and women with weird waxy green assholes should try it. I’m not saying she should rip her pants down at dinner and spread her butt cheeks apart between courses, but a fair warning is nice. Like for instance, when it comes to having sex for the first time: try riding me first. That way I can go fingering around for myself and make a choice from her sticky butthole that this woman probably has a green asshole. Then from that moment on I know lights on doggy-style is out.
No sudden screams on my part, no embarrassment on hers and no chance of me throwing up on the sheets. Do you honestly believe a woman wouldn’t kill herself if she bend over in front of a man naked and the dude threw up on himself? Are you kidding me?! Women can hardly handle a small skim blemish - let alone a man violently vomiting when exposed to her undercarriage. That crazy bitch would throw herself out of the nearest window and cut her own throat on the fall down. How am I supposed to feel if a girl shows me her weird olive green asshole, I barf and she kills herself? Now I’m a murderer. Let’s save me the countless ass-rammings in prison and allow me to figure out for myself if my lover has a foul poo hole. That’s all I’m saying - take it slow. This way I’ll still have the dinner I just paid for and she’ll still be alive come morning. Everyone is happy.
Another thing I don’t enjoy about a woman’s body is when their vagina lips hang down too low. Or is too much? What I mean is - if a Chihuahua can jump up and chew on your pussy, your lips hang down too low. I don’t like a pussy that appears to be in the middle of vomiting. Labia Majora’s and everything else hanging out. Did it have too much wine? Did you let Mike Tyson loose on your pussy? Why does it look like that? I enjoy the more tucked away hamburger bun pussies. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t like a pussy that looks like half of Africa fucked it. When a man sucks all that loose shit up in his mouth - it feels like we have a severed turkey neck on our tongues.
It’s not horny.
It’s not sexy. Have you ever seen the movie The Predator starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Carl Weathers? At one point the alien monster takes off his helmet and the shit opens it’s mouth to expose the different folds of skin and teeth everywhere. It’s disgusting. It’s like 3 mouths on top of each other. This is what I think of every time I pull down a pair of woman’s underwear and the bitch has a turkey neck pussy. Then she has the audacity to knock me for not being able to get it up?
Fuck you.
Is your vagina trying to shake hands with me? No. We’re not cool here - no good game handshake is in order. I guess the flip side is women with predator pussies always have something to play with. The other day at the DMV I saw a woman stick her hand down her pants and then quietly mouth the words, “1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war.”
And don’t think I forgot about titties. I’m ripping the whole body tonight. I don’t like breast with hair on them. I was once with a woman who possessed very large breasts and the tops had hair on them. I’m not even joking. Sprinkled out across the tops and around her nipples were these random ass long gangly black hairs. When asked why she didn’t pluck them, her answer was simple:
“It’s normal.”
No it’s not. This woman believed it was completely normal to have long black pubic hairs growing out of her tits. Fuckin’ regardless, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to do nothing about it. Sure it’s completely normal to have poop on your ass after shitting, but that doesn’t mean you don’t wipe. Wipe your tits, girl! Waddle them big ass titties over to CVS and buy yourself some Nair hair removal to wipe your rack with. I’m just saying! When I think of all the times I drunkenly sucked and licked on those hairy shits I want to throw myself in front of a car. It’s no wonder I get a huge boner every time I see a pregnant dog crossing the street. It’s those huge saggy dog titties swinging in the wind and the memory of my ex-girlfriend. Pubic hair on enormous breast may or may not be “normal”, but either way. I find it hard to believe a woman wouldn’t rid herself of such things. I realize there are sexually confused men out there who would love nothing more than a set of hairy gorilla tits in their mouths, but I’m not one of them. I like my tits how I like my hamburger bun pussies and buttholes - bald. I live by the same standards and regularly upkeep my own pubic hair. I keep it short - like my dick.”
Anyhoo, that’s the bit. Drunk people love anything to do with sex and why not make a few women feel a bit more self-conscious in the process? How many girls do you think are going to run straight home and look at their own ass in the mirror before punching holes in the walls?
“NOOOOOOOOO!!! I HAVE A WAXY GREEN ASSHOLE!!”
Maybe a little concealer might help?
