A swell way to blow a hot date is to accidentally pull a condom out of your pocket when searching for a lighter. Women hate this. It makes you appear overly self-confident, creepy and basically paints her as a cheap slut. What kind of man expects a woman to spread for him on the first date? I suppose a dumb ass like myself, because I pulled this same stunt while on a date with a very attractive woman in Houston, TX. We were at the bar, on the patio and wanting to share a quick ciggy together. She had the fags and it was my job to produce fire. She was watching my movements as I fumbled through my pockets while telling the story of the first time I rode a horse.
I sat on the back of this fuckin’ thing for over 2 hours and could barely walk afterwards from being so sore. I tried to impress my girlfriend by picking this monster sized horse and sitting on the damn thing was basically like doing the splits. Then of course when the horse “trots” it feels like Robocop is repeatably uppercutting your taint. Riding horses is the most unpleasant shit in the world and every time I see a man doing it - I don’t understand why he would put himself through such torture.
It’s awful.
I understand why women and homosexual men might enjoy horseback riding because it’s like mounting an enormous huge muscular cock and feels like an uncontrollable force in between their thighs, but fuck that. I’d rather hang around the horse pen and trip out over how nonchalantly a horse will take a shit next to each other as if they were simply kicking a dirt clog. Horses also have this habit of doing absolutely fucking nothing you tell them and making you look like an incompetent fool in front of anyone watching. My horse was Godzilla and did whatever the hell he wanted while I could only sit there frozen in fear of being bucked off at any second. Falling off this thing would be like falling to my death. Everyone else looked as if they were all riding small dogs. My horse seemed tall enough to walk through the ocean.
I’d scream when talking to anyone.
Once back at home that behind the balls area of my body felt like it had been involved in a head-on collision with a Mac truck. I guess like a callus on your finger from drawing, a cowboy must develop a callus on his choad to handle the pain of horseback riding. A cowboy’s asshole must look like it’s suffering from cauliflower ear.
Ew.
Remind me to never ask out a cowgirl. Long story short - the next time my girlfriend suggested we drive down to San Diego to go horseback riding, I told her I’d rather ignite a grenade under my balls. Of course her panties got soggy just thinking about being back on those horses.
So anyhoo, I’m digging for this damn lighter and pull my hand out to find two brand new Trojan ENZ lubricated condoms. I had completely forgotten I put them in there and wondered what the hell was in my pocket. Not a word was said. She only looked at me as if silently thinking, “I’m leaving after this drink.”
Did it have to be two? Could I be anymore of a fucking douche bag? Dammit, why did I forget they were there and pull them out in plain view for her to see? I tried to make an awkward joke about them not being big enough to fit a horse, but the damage was done. I was a kook and this beautiful girl probably lying about having to excuse herself for the bathroom. Thinking back, when she saw me holding the condoms I should have said some shit like, “Oh, these? I’m planning on stopping by my ex-girlfriend’s apartment after this date.”
At least it would have been funny and taken the idea of me being a date rapist out of her mind. Ugh. I’m always pulling some amateur shit like this. I was twenty-nine years old at the time and should know when I have prophylactics in my pockets. Or even better know that I won’t be needing such things when going on a date with a respectable woman who clearly doesn’t bone down until like the 8th, 12th, or uncountable numbered date. Could I be anymore of a shithead?
Or maybe it turned her on? Maybe she saw the condoms in my hand and thought to herself, “Wow, this guy must be a charmer! Dude thinks he’s going to get me to giggle my way out of my panties before the night’s over.”
At least I didn’t plan on getting her pregnant. That counts for something, right? I’m a very thoughtful man and when it comes time to spend 25 drunken minutes trying to get my half erect/half jelly donut dick inside a woman’s warm wet vagina - I keep it cool. Safe. I’ll be entirely too intoxicated to have an orgasm, but in case I accidentally start urinating inside her, at least she’s protected.
I’m joking of course. I’ve only found myself hammered drunk on a date once and it ended with me talking for miles about my ex-girlfriend who I was clearly still in love with.
That was a hot date.
Women love it when men take them out on dates, get hammered drunk and start talking about the woman they’re truly in love with. One more thing worth mentioning is the fact I made it a point for this woman to see me throw the condoms in the trash can. In my mindset I thought this would make me seem less threatening, but probably only made her feel worse. She looks over to see me tossing the rubbers as if all the alcohol in the world wasn’t enough to convince me to have sex with this woman. She’s thinking to herself, “God, am I too fat?! I don’t understand what did I do wrong?”
Nothing pumpkin, you’re entirely too beautiful to wear a condom with. If you have a baby nine months later - so be it. Whatever happens with you is meant to be. It must be hell to be a beautiful woman. No man will wear a condom with you because that’s like petting a puppy with gloves on and you can forget about pulling out. Whenever I see a dazzling woman without kids I wonder if I can count the number of abortions she’s had on two hands?
You ugly girls got it good. Dudes are wrapping their shit up double-time and pulling out too just to be on the safe side.
