I’m seeing a woman who’s convinced herself I have a girlfriend and by seeing of course I mean fucking. I really have no further interest in the situation. I’m just being honest. Writing is all about honesty. If I were to go on about how I wrote her love poems and my stomach gets in knots when I know she’s near – that would be complete bullshit and only confuse her when she sees this. The truth is the truth and there isn’t anything wrong with that. People fucking isn’t a big deal - you just think it is because you just think it is. Being in love of course is something completely different and much more meaningful, but I’m talking about being single and it’s nice to have sex and feel warm skin next to yours. I’m not going to explain myself.
Fuck you.
My first interaction with this woman was through e-mail. We had a class together and one afternoon I had to leave early in order to catch a plane to New York. I worried over the possibility of missing an assignment so I gave my e-mail address to the girl sitting behind me. I asked if she wouldn’t mind writing in the case an assignment was due come Monday. Our instructor was an incompetent fool with zero lesson plans. My best option was e-mail, but apparently this girl thought I was hitting on her in a very incognito fashion. This is her mindset - not mine. She instantly decided I wanted to have sex with her, but had a girlfriend and didn’t wish to give out my number because my fictional girl could easily go through my phone and find it.
Busted.
This of course being completely false and nothing more than another example of how crazy women are. Of course I found her attractive, but was still sleeping with a girl from a previous semester and refuse to have sex with two different women in the same time frame. That’s fuckin’ gross. I had a girlfriend of mine do that to me in the past and apparently I’m scared from it.
One at a time people, one at a time.
That’s all I’m saying.
So I get back from New York and low & behold an assignment is due. This girl failed to warn me and I got a zero. Naturally after class I approach her and I’m like what the fuck? She only giggled not giving a damn and at that point we’re both laughing our asses off because nothing is more arousing than a woman who refuses to give a fuck. I asked her out in that second and a few nights later we’re having dinner together. That’s when she asks me about having a girlfriend. This only makes me laugh because why in God’s name would I be at dinner with this person if I had a girlfriend? I am not that kind of person. I’m a bit graphic and somewhat perverted, but very sincere when it comes to relationships. I live for that shit, but it’s so hard to find. Or at least for me it is. I make up for it when single by bringing girls home I may not be very interested in, but truly enjoy the interaction together. And who’s to say something couldn’t come of it? I don’t know if other men operate like this and don’t care.
So we go out a few more times, but it’s all very random. I would text her out of the blue with no planning and be like, “Hey, I want to see you tonight.” Then she wouldn’t hear from me for a few more days. In her head I was only contacting her when my fictional girlfriend wasn’t around or possibly out of town. Regardless she’s having sex with me this entire time so really who’s the player here? Not me. I’m a very honest person and will give a straight answer when asked even if it equals a negative reaction. I don’t have a fucking girlfriend, but it never stops her from asking. It even got to the point where she would start testing me. I’d get these random ass text messages like, “What if I were to unexpectedly stop by to see you?”
I’d respond, “Like a booty call?”
She would say yes, but not like mine because I always text message first when I want to see her. She wanted to know how I would respond if she stopped by with no warning or heads up. Of course I was like “God no” because grown people don’t like surprise visits. I don’t want some random ass person showing up at my door when I’m trying to work on a script or busy tuggin’. Adults do not like surprise visits.
Fuck you.
We have our private lives and need warning when someone plans to stop by. Surely she would understand this, but she didn’t. In her mindset I had a girlfriend and couldn’t have her dropping by drunk for dick when I’m in relationship mode. I didn’t know how to explain myself because it all seemed so natural. Just fucking text message so I can wash my nuts first or take a break from chasing whatever writing dreams and we’re good. I don’t like surprise visits unless it actually is my girlfriend or a close friend who is in some kind of need.
That’s final.
Get over it.
I didn’t understand how she couldn’t. How hard is it to send a quick text message? That’s how booty calls work. If not it would just be called “booty.”
I don’t booty.
Call first.
She would go on about how what if she was hammered drunk and forgot to call first. That’s even worse. I don’t want some drunken puta showing up on my doorstep when I’m stone cold sober watching Netflix. What was her problem? Obviously she wanted to know I viewed her as more than just a piece of ass and I truly did up until this point. I liked the idea of her believing I had a girlfriend, but she would steal me for herself. That’s kind of gangster, right? Gangster ass pussy. I’ve always admired how a woman will put everything in her life on hold until she finds a man. Men are not like this at all. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told to stop being weird or I’ll never find myself a sweet girl. I don’t believe this for a second and possibly why I’ll die alone. If I’ve learned anything in life - it’s that you will never find love when looking for it.
Maybe this girl was looking and why she was being such a pain in the ass. I eventually had to say something. I said,
“Bitch, you can’t be acting like this!”
I’m joking of course, I’m not Ice Cube. I explained how even though I didn’t have a girlfriend, it wasn’t working and I didn’t see any kind of real connection happening between us. At this point she flips out and starts accusing me of being this huge player type person. Even then she still thought I had a girlfriend. I remember thinking, “Dude, I’ve given this woman a cell phone. I let her go snooping through my bedroom for a t-shirt after we’ve had sex. She’s been through my refrigerator. Clearly there is no sign of a woman in my life.”
Girls don’t drink root beer and eat frozen burritos everyday. I was so over it by this point I wanted to tell her I did have a girlfriend, a wife in fact, and she’s black so this bitch better disappear or my Afro-American main squeeze is going to rip the earrings out of her ears.
But instead I just stopped responding to her text messages. It was too irritating. She was super fun to have sex with, but too annoying afterwards. She would do this adorable thing where she got super embarrassed when having an orgasm. She would actually apologize sometimes. It was like watching a puppy fall over itself while trying to make it down the stairs for the first time and enough to literally make my balls explode. I sometimes had to push her to the side and make sure they didn’t. Ugh, I’ll miss that.
But then I’ll remember she’s crazy and be thankful it’s not my root beer she’s dripping cyanide in.
