The other night I was at the bar taking a piss and shit on myself. It was supposed to be only a fart, but I’d been drinking all weekend and what came out was a wet exploding bubble between my butt cheeks. That was a wrap on the night. Back in the day I may have ditched my underwear in the trash can and continued to party, but at this point in my life I know when its time to go home.
When you accidentally shit on yourself being one of those times.
I preyed I wouldn’t be pulled over on the drive home. Can you imagine going to jail with shitty underwear and needing a wipe? It’s not like the police are going to unlock the handcuffs long enough for you to run off into the grass and bury your shitty underwear in a shallow grave. Then what are you going to wipe with? Rub your ass in the grass? No, I had to obey all traffic laws and drive the slow ass speed limit while sitting in a tiny puddle of poo. Would it leak through and onto my leather seats? Out of instinct I turned down the radio. It just doesn’t seem right to shit yourself and then slam the stereo on the way home.
No David Bowie tonight.
Click.
The goal was to get home safely and then check the situation in my underwear once in the bathroom. While still standing I did that thing where you only pull your pants down to about mid thigh and then take a look inside at your underwear. I imagine women pull this same maneuver constantly over curiosity of what may have come out of their vagina that day. What I found was a simple wet fart and a sigh of relief washed over me. Being a grown man it felt good to know I hadn’t full blown loafed in my pants. And besides, knocking a person over a wet fart is like ripping on someone for tripping over their own feet. Its fuckin’ funny, but only a matter of time until you pull this same stunt while trying to walk out of the bar, light a cigarette and send a text message all at the same time.
Fuck you.
I wet farted myself.
I then tossed the evidence in the washing machine and took a quick shower. Though only a good baby wet wipe was needed a shower made more sense in the moment. Plus I enjoy showering with a buzz on. Granted I’ve probably only done this four times in my life, but its still fun. I used to date a girl who would drink in the shower. It always killed me and though I never got to see it for myself, anytime at her apartment I would pull back the shower curtain to find empty beer cans and cocktail glasses next to the Pantene Pro-V.
I love weird glimpses like this into people’s weird little worlds. She would get her buzz on while getting ready to come see me. It’s too bad I was such an asshole because that girl was super hot and clearly a keeper.
