I recently listened to a human relations professor talk about the changing of marriage in America. Apparently the number of new world adults getting married is rapidly dropping. He went on about how marriage is becoming just another outdated tradition and as more free thinking young adults transition into middle age they no longer feel the need to be married. Marriage isn’t about love anymore, it’s about financial survival. The number of successful adults both male and female living alone is higher than ever (by successful he means not on welfare and sitting on a pile of kids.) Marriage has hardly anything to do with true love. Eighty percent of all marriages fail and of that lasting twenty percent only two percent will be infidelity free.
That’s insane.
Basically that’s like me traveling to Kenya to have sex with a prostitute and there’s only a twenty percent chance she’ll have a condom for me to use when I get there. And only a two percent chance that rubber isn’t full of holes.
Fuck you.
I’d rather jerk off for the rest of my life. In case you’re unaware the Republic of Kenya is a country in East Africa where the aids virus is fuckin’ rampant. I’m talking one in three. You know like how in Southern California all the black and white people are freaking out because one in three is Mexican. Well imagine visiting a place where one in three people weren’t trying to sell you oranges in the parking lot, but trying to swim up your dick and kill you.
This is marriage in America.
He went on about how even though the chances of experiencing a successful marriage is grim and by grim I mean fucking slim, people still go for it and good for them. This blind faith is key in business because just like marriages – most all businesses fail, but it’s not necessarily your fault.
It’s just the odds stacked up against you.
I’m sitting there listening to this shit and imaging all of my friends who are married and how almost all of them will deteriorate. Even myself if I cross that bridge, but mostly I’m sitting there thinking of how I’d love to kick my counselor in the crotch for signing me up to a class so early.
The numbers don’t lie and I can honestly say when leaving that class session I was like, “Dude, fuck marriage and being a stay at home dad!”
That’s a joke of course, but I did leave with a very negative outlook of marriage. Then I get in the car and its Matt Skiba singing about wishing his ex-girlfriend would drop a radio in the bathtub because his relationship went to shit. Between the two hour marriage bashing session and this fuckin’ song variation I’ve heard thirty thousand times – that was a wrap on love. I may as well drive my car off a bridge. I’ll pretend my vehicle is that radio and the bay below is my bathtub with me in it.
Plugged in and ready to fall.
But then I hit the corner on Ocean Drive and the very first thing I see is a young couple walking along the bay front with their new born puppy. In my imagination the two had clearly just moved in together and gotten this puppy in order to put the girl off from wanting a baby a little longer. Maybe they were already married? Maybe they were brother and sister and their father just got them this puppy to break the news of him leaving their mother? I didn’t stop to ask. The point is chances are they were in love and didn’t give a damn of the god awful statistics stacked up against them.
You can’t fuck with that.
Granted if they were actually blood related that’s kind of sick, but I can think of worse things. Like for instance, I think I should be given a major writing deal with a global publisher and I’m sure at least 85% of people on the planet would think that’s just as absurd.
Regardless I gave them the quick back-to-back double honk in approval and continued on down the road to Whataburger
One in twenty people develop colon cancer and there isn’t any reason why I couldn’t be one of them.
