Is there anything more satisfying than scratching an itchy asshole? I’m talking about one of these itchy buttholes that almost calls for an entire finger to be stuck up inside it. These kinds of things always seem to happen in public. You’re either out at the bar or walking through the mall when your asshole suddenly comes to life. It’s like a murder witness you need to silence. You’re trying to squeeze your butt cheeks together – like this ever works. Then you start adjusting in your seat like crazy while trying to nonchalantly get the seat edge in between your ass cheeks to scratch out whatever is barking. It never works. Nothing works. You need to get in a dark alley quick and start scratching your asshole like it’s a winning lottery ticket.
Have you ever used a quarter to scratch your ass with?
Your inner monolog is cursing yourself for not wiping your ass good enough. You’re a grown man for Christ sake. You should know how to properly wipe your own ass. What went wrong? A tiny piece of poo got left behind and turned into a flea bite. Itchy assholes are the worse, man. I’m always weirded out by how much I enjoy scratching it. Maybe it’s me living out my Pirates of the Caribbean fantasies and expecting my asshole to open up and release treasure? Is Will Turner inside my ass? What about Keira Knightley? If she’s up there can someone tell that bitch to sit still because my ass itches so bad I’m about to start screaming and punching holes in the walls.
Then of course you get somewhere safe and start clawing at it until it’s so sore you can’t even touch it. Your asshole is now a wound. Did a grenade explode in between my butt cheeks because I can’t even sit down at this point.
I’m upset.
One day I’ll learn to completely wipe my ass after shitting.
