I was once caught masturbating as a young teenager. My mother and I were living in an apartment complex in San Diego, California. I forget the name, but a guy who played for the San Diego Padres baseball team lived in the same complex. Thinking back, that’s very strange. The dude plays professional baseball and lives in an apartment complex? What the hell did he do with his money? I remember always seeing him at the swimming pool surrounded by chicks and when I say chicks – I mean tits. I would swim around in the pool while keeping a close eye on the action happening in the Jacuzzi. I can remember thinking to myself, “Wow, baseball still totally sucks ass, but I guess it has its perks!”
These bitches were bad. If I could only get one of them out in the parking lot and bust a few ollies on my skateboard surely they would ditch that baseball playing dumbass and let me see their cracks. That was the plan at least. I rode it to the pool, couldn’t they see it over there by my towel? Why were they still up on this dude’s jock? So what I came with my mother. Wait until they see this next jack knife.
So the pool is pumping with professional athletes and single mothers - the sun is out. Sprinkle in a few sluts in bikinis and you’ve got a perfect Saturday afternoon. I never watched or cared about baseball, I was a hardcore skateboarder at the time. I could give a fuck about team sports and wouldn’t be seen associating with anyone who did, but these chicks were like Playboy models. High hair and red lips. I was too young to understand the allurement women have to money and couldn’t grasp why these girls were all over him. It pissed me off. He had a mustache and everything – a total douche. And baseball of all sports?! What the fuck did they see in him? I can remember splashing the water in frustration. When my mother would ask me what’s wrong, I’d scream at her, “EVERYTHING!”
But at least I could stare at their tits. I mean really stare. No sunglasses. No shame. I’m just a pale creepy Ginger kid at the swimming pool openly eyeball fucking all the women around him. For hours I stared and daydreamed about shaking my face in their chests and pulling their butt cheeks apart. No one can tell if you have wood in a swimming pool.
Eventually my mother grew tired of the sun and announced it was time to go. My plan was to run home beating my mother by at least fifteen minutes and in turn giving me ample time to rub one out. I jumped out of the pool, grabbed by Veriflex skateboard and tore off down the sidewalk.
“Take your time Mom!”
I had to come around the pool on the way back to my mother’s apartment and this gave me the chance to check out the early 1990’s curly haired sluts one last time. I swear to God one of them bent over in order to reach her Diet Pepsi just as I passed. I could see right up Main Street.
Ugh.
My tiny balls almost exploded inside my swim trunks. I had to get home quick while these delicious butt cheeks were still fresh on the brains. Thinking back it’s kind of strange the front door wasn’t locked because I remember busting right through it and I never had a key. I never had shit. I looked pretty fucked up as a kid. I’m a Ginger, I was always severely sun burnt from never wearing sun screen at the beach, my shoes were completely thrashed from skateboarding, never laced and shit and my clothes never matched (nor were they clean.) My mother gave up a long time ago. She knew I wouldn’t listen or pay attention. She never let up about the sun screen though. Even with green pus coming out of my bottom lip from severe sun blisters I was like “fuck it.”
My appearance reflected my attitude.
It’s too bad attitude doesn’t equal intelligence because some of it might have saved me on this day. I got to my bedroom, ripped down my shorts and got to it. The fantasy was instant – their bikini bottoms pulled to the side. Wow. I actually don’t remember much of the session because it was interrupted by my mother walking in. She was just as surprised as I was. I mean, what the hell kind of kid runs home from the swimming pool and starts whacking off with his wet swimming trunks still wrapped around his tiny ankles? I did that typical, “AHHHHH!!!” like she just walked in on me fucking the dog.
“I swear this never happens!”
She didn’t care. This woman watches people lose their lives everyday and the sight of her son jacking it wasn’t a big deal. As calm as Hindu cows she simply told me, “That’s not very nice.”
Not very nice? Why did she have to make it sound so criminal? Before I could question this statement she had already disappeared into the kitchen. I just laid there waiting for death. How could I ever face her again? Can we just pretend this never happened? I couldn’t even reach down to pull up my shorts. It’s not like she’s coming back in here anytime soon. I spent the next four hours trapped in my bedroom. I wanted to go skate, but was too terrified I’d see her on the way out. I was fucking starving, too. You know how hungry a person gets after swimming. I needed a sandwich!
But I couldn’t just waltz in there and start spreading Miracle Whip on two pieces of bread like she didn’t just catch me jacking off. It was awful. I couldn’t use these same hands to make food. I didn’t have a TV or any video games. My skateboard was still in the living room floor where I threw it, so I couldn’t even take the wheels off repeatably and switch them around.
I was fucked.
Eventually around eight o’clock I sucked up what was left of my pride and came walking out in the living room to find her watching TV. She asked me what I’ve been doing in there this entire time and I didn’t have an answer. I replied “hungry” and walked in the kitchen. Like a fat chick, I needed some comfort food. I grabbed a plate, piled on a volcano of Doritos’s nacho cheese tortilla chips, threw on a couple of sandwiches, grabbed a Dr. Pepper and went straight back in my room. Thinking back my mother must have been super bummed. She hardly ever had a night off and probably wanted to spend it with me and watching our shows. We were totally into Beverly Hills 90210. Douche bag Luke Perry thinking he’s a surfer and shit - fuckin’ kook. I hated that pretty boy bitch, but Jenny Garth was prime. I’m hardly ever attracted to blond hair women, but this bitch was bad. All snobby and shit. I wanted nothing more than to stick my tiny wiener inside her.
But not tonight - I was too ashamed of myself. Damn it, what the fuck was I thinking by thinking I had enough time to squeeze one out? 15 minutes my ass, it takes maybe 5 to walk from our front door to the pool. Ugh. Why did I have to be such a horny little pervert? Why did that loser baseball player have to live in my complex? And why wouldn’t that slammin’ hot brunette just suck my dick?!! I’m not good with being thirteen years old. I needed to be thirty already and able to get laid whenever I wanted (with a little effort of course.) I didn’t want to play with my Legos, not tonight. I couldn’t even fingerboard the tiny half pipe I made out of an old Airwalk shoe box and taped to the top of my desk. I was devastated. Mom caught me red handed, no excuses, no way out. She saw me with a boner. I could never face her again.
And I wouldn’t have to!
I’d simply stay outside surfing and skateboarding anytime she was home and come back to eat and poo while she’s at work. I’d sleep on the beach. My life would be perfect.
