Licking pussy is kind of sketchy. Correction: licking pussy is fucking terrifying. For every one woman who sucks at giving head, there are over fifty-thousand men who are even worse at licking pussy. Men suck at eating out. It’s not because we don’t enjoy it or think it stinks, but because it’s hard. Everything about a woman is fucking difficult and licking their sweet little pussies isn’t any different. A dude can spend all night trying to paint himself as a total badass who listens to nobody’s rules, but she’s going to know he’s a straight buster the second he can’t make her cum with his mouth. Do you think Batman doesn’t know how to grub a box? Or what about Marv from the movie Sin City? That hideous mother fucker can lick a twat better than you can wipe your own ass. These dudes know how to please a woman and so should you. I’m here to help so put down your iPhone and listen.
Don’t put your face anywhere near her vagina unless you’re down to give it a 100%. Don’t half ass the pussy. This will only give her the dry heaves. Going down on a woman when you really don’t want to is a huge, huge, mistake. It’s better not to because you’re going to be so timid and shy that she’s probably going to reach down to slap you, push her knees back together and split. Plus she’s going to tell every one of her friends you suck at sex – which is every man’s worst nightmare come true. Fuckin’ man up and lick her pussy like a pig at a trough. Always, always, lick as if you can’t ever get enough until she’s forced to push your tongue away after just cumming all over it. That’s when you pull your head out of her thighs and scream in her face, “Oink! Oink!!”
You’re an animal. You’re a pig.
It can be difficult to know when to start. A cooze isn’t like a dick and able to be sucked at the drop of a hat. No man wants to lick a dry pussy and women don’t like it neither. It’s like that awkward feeling when a cat licks your hand with its dry gritty tongue. Barf. Nobody likes that shit. A dry pussy is a very unhappy pussy. Before going down use your fingers to give her box a once over and if it’s dry, stop what your doing and go back up to make out and kiss on her neck. She isn’t ready. But remember to maneuver a finger between her lips because sometimes the good stuff gets trapped within the labia and a little finger banging is all that’s needed to start baking the pudding.
Am I wording everything gross enough for you?
Once the cardboard box has melted into a puddle use your finger to give it a few soft teasing strokes – don’t rush into it dude. The more she begs for it the better. The last thing to do before going down is bringing up this same finger to taste it and then make her taste it, too. Share your finger and her pussy all over it. There’s no reason to jam your fingers all the way inside because this only takes from the big show when it’s time to have sex. Tease, dude, tease. 80% of a woman’s pleasure is about yearning and sticking your fingers in too soon is like a slap in the face. That’s not being very mysterious.
You’re Batman, remember?
When you’ve got her dripping all over the sheets it’s time to bail out. Pull back your troops and get your fingers out of there before they drown to death. Don’t touch anything. You’re a thief. Let her beg for more and then tease with a little bit of that old fashion dry humping and some last minute kissing like you’ve just been drafted to die at war in Vietnam.
You’re going away for a very long time.
Personally, I skip over the boobies on the way down, two or three kisses max. You should have taken care of those shits a long time ago. Get down to her ribs and stomach and give them a tongue bath. Kiss down to her knees and back up through the insides of her thighs, but skip over the pussy when crossing the bridge to repeat this same process on her other leg. Tease dude, tease. Remember that little fuckin’ cocktease in high school? You’re that chick now. Nibble your way through her thighs like a ground feeding fish. Nibble right up to the edge of her pussy, but don’t taste. Repeat this process three or four times and she’ll be so hot she’s making you sweat.
Plus it will save you an ample amount of pussy eating time in the long run.
Suck on that part of her inside thigh neighboring the pussy. It’s fun to watch her squirm in an attempt to maneuver her box in your mouth. You’re a badass, remember? And she’s not in control of this show, you are. She’s bitched and had her way all night long. It’s time for revenge - but don’t make her cry. Slowly count to fifteen.
Now it’s time.
By this point her face should look like it’s been shoved underwater and that first lick is going to be the breath of fresh air she’s dying for. You’re fuckin’ killer, dude! Look at this bitch! She is absolute putty in your hands. You’ve blown her mindset through that first ten minutes of her worrying over the possibility of her pussy stinking and we both know it doesn’t. That peach smells better than your mamma’s fried chicken!
It’s time to pinpoint your playing field – though this is much easier now that no woman on the earth seems to have pubic hair. You can even have her use her fingers to spread her pussy apart like baseball diamond.
Game on!
Start slowly licking and moaning in pleasure. Make sure she can hear how excited you are to be eating her pussy. Her pussy is the best pussy in the world and you’re the luckiest man on earth. Lick all around the bottom and right up next to her ass. Or in it, I do. You’re Christopher Columbus discovering America. Slowly lick every inch of her pussy, there’s no need to pinpoint her clit just yet. You’re just happy to have food.
Be slow.
Softly cross your tongue over her clit a few times in order to see how much of a reaction you get. If she loses her breath and shakes her thighs than this job is going to be easier than the one you walked out on in high school. If you get nothing than this might take a while, but you’re not giving up. Licking pussy should be done so slowly and gentle that you should feel like half a fag. Channel all of those locked away homo tendencies you have stored far back in your mind straight into your tongue. You are one with the pussy. Imagine it’s your own and how you might like it licked. But not like a dude, you’re a fag. Everything is soft and slow. Find her clit and try to teach it a new secret handshake with your tongue. It’s buried up there at the top in all those beef curtains. If you use your fingers to push everything down, this little bulb is the only one who stands tall. Use your lips to get hers out of the way. At this point forget about the rest of her pussy, it’s garbage, you’re threw with it. Run your entire tongue against her wet clit over and over and over and over. You’re not a fag anymore and it’s time to get rough. Remind this bitch you’re a man with a big huge fat cock. Some pussies like serious clitoris stimulation and some don’t. Who cares.
Fuck you.
Tongue punch her clit and frisk that little mother fucker like you just caught it trying to steal your wallet. Clits come in all shapes and sizes and though loving the soft shit at first, most women love things to get faster while she’s softly moaning, “Oh my God.”
Look for her reactions to see how fast or rough she likes it. Circle your tongue around her clit and then suck that little bastard right up in your mouth. If it’s too much for her, release and repeat. Release and repeat. Release and repeat. You don’t want to be down here all night and it’s time to seal the deal. Suck her clit up into your mouth like a vacuum and don’t let go. Move it around in your lips until you feel the insides of her thighs start to shake. She’s about to blow dude and this is no time to be creative. Do not change a fucking thing. You’re about to see fireworks and this is no time to start mixing things up. Sing a song in your head and move your tongue to the beat.
Something dancy.
Typically anything your girlfriend listens to. Changing absolutely anything at this point will only throw her off and dry that pussy right up in the process. You’re home free and after she cums don’t stop for few seconds after. This shit isn’t over until she reaches down and pushes your mouth away. If she wants to cum over and over again just repeat this entire process until your jaw locks up.
By the way, if you’ve got one of those boring chicks that can’t handle having her clit murdered with your tongue, dump her. You’re going to be down there licking pussy for years before she ever cums. I’m joking of course, but just lick all around and stick your nose in her ass. You may as well have a little fun while you’re down there because things are going to get boring pretty quickly.
So once you’re done and she’s cum, chances are she wants your face out of there ASAP because her pussy is so sensitive right now the slightest touch will only make her scream in pain. Instead of bailing out drop your head to side, hang your tongue out and breathe on her pussy like a St. Bernard that just saved Pluto in the snow. At this point you have about a full minute to get a condom on and fuck this poor girls brains out.
Helpful hint: the first time she looks at you – use the back of your hand to wipe your mouth with like you just sucked the blood from her neck.
Good luck ever trying to dump this chick.
