Whether or not this will be included in the book I really don’t know because I have no idea how funny it will or won’t be. I have no plan. Normally I have a slight idea of what I wish to write about, but this time is different. I’m going into this blind. I’m like Lil’ Wayne about to bust a freestyle rhyme, but instead of my lips I’ll let my fingers do all the talking. Picture me as that little hand from The Addams Family.
I believe he was referred to as “Thing.”
I don’t have a dick.
Anyhoo, this girl who enjoys reading my immature bullshit messaged me on Facebook explaining how Wednesday is her birthday and it might make her smile to see me acknowledge it. Well I’m going to do more than ratify her existence; I’m going to explain the pros and cons of having sex with woman like her. I’d do it. She’s adorable, but I’m a sucker for these kinds of girls.
She just turned 15.
That’s completely untrue of course, but I love it when I type out a joke so quickly it’s like somebody else is telling it to me. I believe today she’s twenty-four. Anyhoo, she’s the smallest little thing, no visible tattoos, dark hair, that snow pale Mexican skin, ugh. How do you not rip off her pants? I’m afraid if I got her back in my bedroom I’d murder her on accident.
Every man fantasizes about having sex with these tiny girls. Not only does your dick look fucking enormous when stuffed in their mouths, but it hardly doesn’t take any money at all to feed them or give their brains a warm little buzz. How many two dollar Pabst Blue Ribbon beers does it take to get one tiny hipster girl hammered? Eight dollars worth?
That’s a date!
The only problem is once back in your apartment and having sex with one of these delightful little creatures it’s like playing pinball with your dick. Their torsos are too tiny and once a stiff dick is introduced to their lower abdomen, things start to get crowded. I don’t like being able to pinpoint every organ in their lower body with the tip of my dick. Just like a game of pinball the head of my dick is bouncing off her gal bladder, her pancreas, I’m double-scoring off her appendix. It’s strange and unusual. I can’t bring myself to orgasm knowing I’m having sex with her liver or possibly puncturing one of her lungs. I mean Christ; this tiny cooze is going to need reconstructive surgery once this is over. Not to mention if I pull out to cum and her tiny kidney is stuck on the end of my dick! What if I rip a hole in the wall of her lower intestine and give myself a bladder infection?
There are too many risks.
And look, I see the flip side of it too. How you can push & squeeze on her tiny stomach and start shifting her organs around into the world’s most perfect vagina. I’ve thought this shit through. The trick is you have to get all of those shitty intestines out of there. Push all those poo guts up under her lungs and work her stomach back down like you’re trying to squeeze that last peanut M&M out of the wrapper. Then squeeze her kidneys down onto each side of her vagina, get those kidneys up nice & tight on your dick. Her stomach should be lined up like backboard for the head of your dong to smash into comfortably. Now squeeze all this shit together down on your dick with both hands and pound that pussy to powder. Chances are she’s already loose as Grandpa’s neck from the numerous trendy band members this woman has spread for and the old organ squeeze is the only way you’ll ever cum.
It’s true and not for the weak of heart.
From a realistic point of view this poor girl is probably going to be dead after this. You can’t blow your dirty load on a girl’s spleen and not expect an infection to break out. That or push a rib through her heart. Now you’ve got this dead hipster chick in your bed and the cops are never going to believe you didn’t kill her. The sheets are covered in vomit from pushing down on her stomach and her iPhone is covered in cocaine from the 8-ball you split. What are you going to say, you “blacked out” and woke up to find her laying there convulsing on the floor with both of her arms flopping around behind her head? Why is the tip of her liver sticking out of her throat? You squeezed too hard dude, and now you’re going to prison. You may want to think about ditching the body and bailing down to old Mexico until this whole murder by squeeze sex thing blows over. I think she’s from McAllen so it’s right on the way. I’ll leave the body on the porch of her parent’s house with a note attached to her chest.
“Dear Joanna’s parents,
Um, I’m not exactly sure how to explain this, but apparently I got a little too carried away thinking I’m God and accidentally murdered your daughter. I was attempting some kind of super vagina experiment and the poor little thing didn’t make it. Because of the seriousness of my crime and the fact you’re probably going to press charges, I’m gonna keep heading south and live out the rest of my life in Mexico. I wouldn’t suggest calling your Mexican relatives on me because I plan on joining the Tijuana Drug Cartel and to fuck with us wouldn’t be smart. Soon I’ll be rich enough to buy you a new daughter, even one of those trendy black babies from Kenya. Once again I apologize for the inconvenience of having to plan Joanna’s funeral or Quincetta or whatever the hell it is Mexicans do with their dead. I’m white, we just throw ours in the ground and then argue over who collects the life insurance money.
May the forces always be with you,
-Jesse”
It’s off to the boner motherland for me. I’m going to live out the rest of my days having sex with women who I can’t understand one word that they’re saying. I’m going to live out every man’s dream.
Happy birthday, Joanna! Hopefully you don’t end up pregnant by the end of the night.
