What follows is the actual word-for-word query letter I’m submitting to various publishers throughout the United States and Western Europe.
Jesse Andrew
522 Hancock Avenue Apt. 320
Corpus Christi, TX 78404
(832) 364 – 3037
Dear (Named Publisher),
Imagine this! You’re racing home from work with a turtle head poking out of your ass and just when you finally get there, rip your pants down and slam your butt cheeks down on the toilet – you realize there’s nothing to read. F#cking panic! Your damn iPhone is outside on the concrete after dropping it while trying to fumble your keys in the door and there isn’t a single empty shampoo bottle in the trash can. What the hell are you supposed to read? For how long can you stare at that same old dirty shower curtain searching for a reason not to end your own life? Well put the razor down because I have a solution.
My book “Shit & Stuff” (title still in works) is a collection of short stories that will entertain any everyday asshole while he or she is trapped on the toilet. Just like in a library, laughing isn’t allowed on the toilet (it shakes your asshole too much) and this limitation of course only makes a person want to laugh more. It only brings out the immaturity hiding inside them. Can you honestly say you wouldn’t kill over in laughter while reading a story about me being unexpectedly butthole fingered by girlfriend? Or what about the time I ran over my neighbor’s kid? “Shit & Stuff” (title still in works) is full of different length stories that will entertain any pill of a person through one of those quick 3 minute shits or the dreadful 45 minute session that calls for an entire roll of toilet paper to finish wiping with after. Hell, he or she might need a shower. My book promises to teach the reader absolutely nothing. The person reading will gain no further knowledge to why humans are here, other than to have sex as much as possible and squeeze in the occasional (everyday) beer. My book is pure comedy. The words inside hold no desire to push my political or social views onto anyone because I’ve never given a flying fuck about neither. I’m all about pussy! I just want to entertain and this book is only the first of many, many, more to come.
The completed manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and I look forward to the countless rejections, numerous accusations of submitting the most absurd query letter in the history of writing and the one mother fucker who will take a chance on this.
They won’t regret it.
Cordially,
Jesse Andrew
