March 2012
31 posts
Pumpkin Faces In The Night.
I recently made the mistake of allowing a woman I met to read this website. Not sure what I was thinking because naturally she came to believe I’m a monster incapable of feeling anything but my own orgasm. I tried to explain this is a joke book I’m working on in between other projects and written in the voice of a character I’ve come up with over the years. He’s a...
February 2012
23 posts
Who Got The Magnums?
There’s a long list, or even better, a fuckin’ plethora of reasons why women think men are shitheads and I thought of yet another one while driving home today from the grocery: how men will go through so much trouble to get laid and when they finally do it’s like we don’t give a fuck. It’s baffling and must be very confusing for women. When a man sees a woman he...
This is Gonna Hurt.
If you’re a single parent (more so a single mother) you should do the world a favor and suffocate your children tonight. The chances of them becoming anything worth a fuck in life is so nil I almost want to jump off a cliff myself. I was raised by a divorced mother and even though the numbers I’m about to give you are based on never married women, but really what’s the...
We Be Men.
Having a cock can be super fucking annoying sometimes. They’ll get hard for absolutely zero reason or warning at all, vigorously pulsate and silently scream to be firmly latched onto to as if holding your best friend by the arm after he’s just fallen over the ledge of a bridge. If you let go he will most certainly die and it’s time to show some of that Cliffhanger strength....
Totally Tits!
I recently 69’ed with a woman and I use the term “woman” loosely because this girl is/was twenty years old. I use the word “was” because I don’t really talk to her anymore even though just an hour ago she text messaged me a picture of her holding a bud of weed. Wtf? Little kook. Maybe she thought I would be drunk because that’s the only time I give a...
Inspiration to be Awesome.
I’ve been reading for miles so now I feel the need to write something. Nothing really comes to mind. BTW: if you’re a woman reading this and sometimes wonder how the hell to make a guy cum already because you’re totally “over it” and your pussy hurts - fake an orgasm. Softly mumble some shit like, “Oh my fucking God, I’m about to cum so hard....
Dear Diary.
I’m in love with Lesley Arfin. I want to move to New York City, sit in underground bars listening to “You’re A Wolf” by Sea Wolf and hear her tell me about her childhood. Then I want to make out with her drunk on the hood of someone’s car. I think she’s alarmingly creative and don’t even care that she’s flat. She keeps everything super fucking...
A Complete Freak.
In every sport, every 10 or 12 years an athlete comes along who is freakishly superior than all of his peers. I suppose it takes this long for a person who was truly born to play a specific sport discovers and does just that. Michael Jordan was born to play basketball and why Michael Jordan is the Michael Jordan of basketball. He’s the king - no one will argue that. Eric Koston is...
Move Over, George Carlin.
I want to try my hand at stand up comedy. I go to the House of Rock on open mic night in order to listen to the other comedians. It looks fun and I think maybe I would enjoy the feeling of being on stage to make drunk people laugh (or ask themselves what the hell is wrong with me.) I’ve even prepared my very first bit and what follows is just that.
I only need now to memorize the whole...
Got a Light?
A swell way to blow a hot date is to accidentally pull a condom out of your pocket when searching for a lighter. Women hate this. It makes you appear overly self-confident, creepy and basically paints her as a cheap slut. What kind of man expects a woman to spread for him on the first date? I suppose a dumb ass like myself, because I pulled this same stunt while on a date with a very...
Once Upon a Time.
When much younger I once made a bet I could sleep a woman. I was at a party with friends and somehow ended up in an argument over whether or not I could have sex with a certain girl at the ball. My friends of course believing I didn’t have a chance in hell and me feeling the opposite. Getting girls is about confidence, confidence is about believing in yourself and believing in yourself...
Let's roll, babydoll!
Someone once said if you go to a person’s house and they don’t own books - don’t fuck ‘em. This truly is great advice, but what if you go to a person’s house and he/she is in a wheelchair? Today while entertaining myself with this Match.com shit I came across a very attractive twenty-five year old in a wheelchair. Dark hair, huge puppy dog eyes, a cute little lip...
How To Court A Ten.
“I’ve never fucked a perfect 10, but one night I fucked five 2’s.” - George Carlin.
I found myself a perfect 10. This girl is absolutely gorgeous. Honestly. She’s just so fuckin’ pretty, but the thing is I’m sure 1,000 different dudes must send her messages everyday. When a woman is this beautiful men come from all four corners of the universe to try & hit it....
Turd Spell.
Feces, excrement, waste product - expelled through the anus or cloaca during defecation. Magic: the art of manipulating aspects of reality either by supernatural means or knowledge of occult laws unknown to science. Put those two things together and you’ve got yourself a turd spell.
A turd spell is when a woman projects herself as everything she isn’t. Independent, carefree,...
Silence is dry;
Sound is wet. Volume is the mass of sound. In silence you can hear people think, but only when their bodies stop making noises.
But who cares what people think? The noises their bodies make are more interesting anyway. Listen to your body. Talk to plants - ignore people.
Whitney Houston Dead at 48.
My first exposure to interracial dating was the movie The Bodyguard starring Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston. Kevin Costner of course played a white uptight bodyguard who soon falls in love with a black entertainer (Whitney Houston.) I remember watching and thinking to myself, “Damn, she is hot!”
Though even as a child I remember thinking they looked fucking ridiculous...
Six Million Dead.
Josef Rudolf Mengele, better know as the “Angel of Death,” was a German SS officer and physician in the Nazi concentration camp Auschiwitz. He first became famous for being one of the SS physicians who supervised the selection of arriving Jews - determining who was to be killed or put to work. He later bloomed into notoriety for his human experiments, mostly on children and his...
Making Out The Shapes.
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.” - The Bell Jay by Sylvia Plath.
In the year 1928 Ernest Hemingway’s father killed himself using a very old Civil War pistol, as did his father before him. In the year ...
This May Sting A Little.
If I’ve learned anything about South Texas it’s that you can pretty much forget about meeting a single woman here who doesn’t have a kid and if you do - it’s fucking rare. Apparently no one informs their children of the invention of condoms or birth control.
Don’t mess with Texas.
Because they won’t mess with you. If a man doesn’t want to wear a condom - she’s not saying shit. And look,...
My Online Dating Adventure.
What follows is the first response I’ve received from a woman on the website Match.com:
“Hey Jesse, I did have the chance to read your profile. Do you have a picture? I’m wondering what you look like? Anyway, where did you live in California? I spent a few years in Stockton as a child. I loved Northern Cali, not Stockton so much, but the other parts. What brought you to...
Foot In The Mouth.
I don’t want to sound like an insensitive prick, but women really start looking their age after about the 26 mark. I noticed this while snooping through the Match.com website. It’s no wonder men hit on women half their age. Women age worse than men, the poor little things. A dude can get away with looking a bit rugged, but when chicks start looking like Gargamel - that’s a...
Hopeless Romantic.
I came home drunk last night and made myself a Match.com profile. This is hilarious because I once wrote a joke about pathetic turds coming home both defeated & hammered from the bar and doing this exact same thing. I win today’s douche bag award (finally I win something.) Since I already wasted the forty bucks on this shit, I’m going to document my experiences so I get...
Rock 'N' Roll Suicide.
Time takes a cigarette - puts it in your mouth,
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette.
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget.
Oh, how you’re a rock ‘n’ roll suicide.
You’re too old to lose it - too young to choose it,
And the clock waits so patiently on your song.
You walk past a cafe, but you don’t eat when you’ve lived too long.
Oh,...