March 2012
0 posts
Pumpkin Faces In The Night.
I recently made the mistake of allowing a woman I met to read this website. Not sure what I was thinking because naturally she came to believe I’m a monster incapable of feeling anything but my own orgasm. I tried to explain this is a joke book I’m working on in between other projects and written in the voice of a character I’ve come up with over the years. He’s a...
February 2012
23 posts
Who Got The Magnums?
There’s a long list, or even better, a fuckin’ plethora of reasons why women think men are shitheads and I thought of yet another one while driving home today from the grocery: how men will go through so much trouble to get laid and when they finally do it’s like we don’t give a fuck. It’s baffling and must be very confusing for women. When a man sees a woman he...
This is Gonna Hurt.
If you’re a single parent (more so a single mother) you should do the world a favor and suffocate your children tonight. The chances of them becoming anything worth a fuck in life is so nil I almost want to jump off a cliff myself. I was raised by a divorced mother and even though the numbers I’m about to give you are based on never married women, but really what’s the...
We Be Men.
Having a cock can be super fucking annoying sometimes. They’ll get hard for absolutely zero reason or warning at all, vigorously pulsate and silently scream to be firmly latched onto to as if holding your best friend by the arm after he’s just fallen over the ledge of a bridge. If you let go he will most certainly die and it’s time to show some of that Cliffhanger strength....
Totally Tits!
I recently 69’ed with a woman and I use the term “woman” loosely because this girl is/was twenty years old. I use the word “was” because I don’t really talk to her anymore even though just an hour ago she text messaged me a picture of her holding a bud of weed. Wtf? Little kook. Maybe she thought I would be drunk because that’s the only time I give a...
Inspiration to be Awesome.
I’ve been reading for miles so now I feel the need to write something. Nothing really comes to mind. BTW: if you’re a woman reading this and sometimes wonder how the hell to make a guy cum already because you’re totally “over it” and your pussy hurts - fake an orgasm. Softly mumble some shit like, “Oh my fucking God, I’m about to cum so hard....
Dear Diary.
I’m in love with Lesley Arfin. I want to move to New York City, sit in underground bars listening to “You’re A Wolf” by Sea Wolf and hear her tell me about her childhood. Then I want to make out with her drunk on the hood of someone’s car. I think she’s alarmingly creative and don’t even care that she’s flat. She keeps everything super fucking...
A Complete Freak.
In every sport, every 10 or 12 years an athlete comes along who is freakishly superior than all of his peers. I suppose it takes this long for a person who was truly born to play a specific sport discovers and does just that. Michael Jordan was born to play basketball and why Michael Jordan is the Michael Jordan of basketball. He’s the king - no one will argue that. Eric Koston is...
Move Over, George Carlin.
I want to try my hand at stand up comedy. I go to the House of Rock on open mic night in order to listen to the other comedians. It looks fun and I think maybe I would enjoy the feeling of being on stage to make drunk people laugh (or ask themselves what the hell is wrong with me.) I’ve even prepared my very first bit and what follows is just that.
I only need now to memorize the whole...
Got a Light?
A swell way to blow a hot date is to accidentally pull a condom out of your pocket when searching for a lighter. Women hate this. It makes you appear overly self-confident, creepy and basically paints her as a cheap slut. What kind of man expects a woman to spread for him on the first date? I suppose a dumb ass like myself, because I pulled this same stunt while on a date with a very...
Once Upon a Time.
When much younger I once made a bet I could sleep a woman. I was at a party with friends and somehow ended up in an argument over whether or not I could have sex with a certain girl at the ball. My friends of course believing I didn’t have a chance in hell and me feeling the opposite. Getting girls is about confidence, confidence is about believing in yourself and believing in yourself...
Let's roll, babydoll!
Someone once said if you go to a person’s house and they don’t own books - don’t fuck ‘em. This truly is great advice, but what if you go to a person’s house and he/she is in a wheelchair? Today while entertaining myself with this Match.com shit I came across a very attractive twenty-five year old in a wheelchair. Dark hair, huge puppy dog eyes, a cute little lip...
How To Court A Ten.
“I’ve never fucked a perfect 10, but one night I fucked five 2’s.” - George Carlin.
I found myself a perfect 10. This girl is absolutely gorgeous. Honestly. She’s just so fuckin’ pretty, but the thing is I’m sure 1,000 different dudes must send her messages everyday. When a woman is this beautiful men come from all four corners of the universe to try & hit it....
Turd Spell.
Feces, excrement, waste product - expelled through the anus or cloaca during defecation. Magic: the art of manipulating aspects of reality either by supernatural means or knowledge of occult laws unknown to science. Put those two things together and you’ve got yourself a turd spell.
A turd spell is when a woman projects herself as everything she isn’t. Independent, carefree,...
Silence is dry;
Sound is wet. Volume is the mass of sound. In silence you can hear people think, but only when their bodies stop making noises.
But who cares what people think? The noises their bodies make are more interesting anyway. Listen to your body. Talk to plants - ignore people.
Whitney Houston Dead at 48.
My first exposure to interracial dating was the movie The Bodyguard starring Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston. Kevin Costner of course played a white uptight bodyguard who soon falls in love with a black entertainer (Whitney Houston.) I remember watching and thinking to myself, “Damn, she is hot!”
Though even as a child I remember thinking they looked fucking ridiculous...
Six Million Dead.
Josef Rudolf Mengele, better know as the “Angel of Death,” was a German SS officer and physician in the Nazi concentration camp Auschiwitz. He first became famous for being one of the SS physicians who supervised the selection of arriving Jews - determining who was to be killed or put to work. He later bloomed into notoriety for his human experiments, mostly on children and his...
Making Out The Shapes.
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.” - The Bell Jay by Sylvia Plath.
In the year 1928 Ernest Hemingway’s father killed himself using a very old Civil War pistol, as did his father before him. In the year ...
This May Sting A Little.
If I’ve learned anything about South Texas it’s that you can pretty much forget about meeting a single woman here who doesn’t have a kid and if you do - it’s fucking rare. Apparently no one informs their children of the invention of condoms or birth control.
Don’t mess with Texas.
Because they won’t mess with you. If a man doesn’t want to wear a condom - she’s not saying shit. And look,...
My Online Dating Adventure.
What follows is the first response I’ve received from a woman on the website Match.com:
“Hey Jesse, I did have the chance to read your profile. Do you have a picture? I’m wondering what you look like? Anyway, where did you live in California? I spent a few years in Stockton as a child. I loved Northern Cali, not Stockton so much, but the other parts. What brought you to...
Foot In The Mouth.
I don’t want to sound like an insensitive prick, but women really start looking their age after about the 26 mark. I noticed this while snooping through the Match.com website. It’s no wonder men hit on women half their age. Women age worse than men, the poor little things. A dude can get away with looking a bit rugged, but when chicks start looking like Gargamel - that’s a...
Hopeless Romantic.
I came home drunk last night and made myself a Match.com profile. This is hilarious because I once wrote a joke about pathetic turds coming home both defeated & hammered from the bar and doing this exact same thing. I win today’s douche bag award (finally I win something.) Since I already wasted the forty bucks on this shit, I’m going to document my experiences so I get...
Rock 'N' Roll Suicide.
Time takes a cigarette - puts it in your mouth,
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your cigarette.
The wall-to-wall is calling, it lingers, then you forget.
Oh, how you’re a rock ‘n’ roll suicide.
You’re too old to lose it - too young to choose it,
And the clock waits so patiently on your song.
You walk past a cafe, but you don’t eat when you’ve lived too long.
Oh,...
January 2012
56 posts
Big Bucks Business.
Every second $3,076.64 is spent on Internet pornography. Every second 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography. Every second 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines. Every 39 minutes a new pornography video is being created in the United States. The pornography industry has larger revenues than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and...
Just a Little Bitchin'.
My friend Taite thinks I’m a woman. In her mindset God accidentally stuck a dick on me and then tossed my sweet ass in the man pile. Maybe he was drunk that day? He made this same mistake with Rosie O’Donnell when putting a vagina between her legs. Wait, did I steal that joke? It seems like something I’ve seen on Family Guy. Either way, I’m a bitch. I can get kind of whiny and over think...
Set It Off.
Ever since opening my first bank account with Bank of America I’ve fantasized about bursting through the lobby doors with an assault rifle, using the butt to break the security guard’s nose and screaming at the top of my lungs, “EVERYBODY ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!”
Then of course I catch eyes with the beautiful twenty-three year old cashier with tan skin and green eyes. I...
The Night The Sex Changed.
When working as a bar back I once watched a girl being gang raped. It wasn’t an actual raping of course, but it may as well have been in my eyes. It was disgusting. I worked at a tejano bar with a ghetto rap music bar connected. Being a red haired freckle faced surfer – I didn’t belong. But the money was good and the other bar backs were super cool, a close friend being one of them who...
Booty Call.
I’m seeing a woman who’s convinced herself I have a girlfriend and by seeing of course I mean fucking. I really have no further interest in the situation. I’m just being honest. Writing is all about honesty. If I were to go on about how I wrote her love poems and my stomach gets in knots when I know she’s near – that would be complete bullshit and only confuse her when she sees this....
Chicks With Dicks at Walmart.
The other night at around four in the morning I decided to drive over to Walmart and buy myself a printer. I hate to waste paper, but some publishers want a tangible copy mailed to them. I guess it helps weed out the lazy mother fuckers. If you can’t write something, print it, package it, and stick it in the mail – then maybe this career choice is the wrong one and you should sign back...
The New Nigger.
Like any other country in the world, the United States has long battled with the decency of man. Say what you will about women being crazy fuckin’ crazy asses – nothing compares to the kind of shit that men have pulled. I’ll skip religion, sexism and homophobia. I’m talking about racism - more importantly slavery and the writings of “slavery codes.” A slavery code was basically a...
Whoops.
The other night I was at the bar taking a piss and shit on myself. It was supposed to be only a fart, but I’d been drinking all weekend and what came out was a wet exploding bubble between my butt cheeks. That was a wrap on the night. Back in the day I may have ditched my underwear in the trash can and continued to party, but at this point in my life I know when its time to go...
Marriage in America.
I recently listened to a human relations professor talk about the changing of marriage in America. Apparently the number of new world adults getting married is rapidly dropping. He went on about how marriage is becoming just another outdated tradition and as more free thinking young adults transition into middle age they no longer feel the need to be married. Marriage isn’t...
Straight Razor.
Does anybody remember when pussies used to have hair on them? Do you remember this shit? The other day I saw a picture of a girl with pubic hair and thought to myself, “That’s right! Pussies used to have hair on them!”
Sometime in the past five years it became socially unacceptable for a vagina to have hair on it. I can’t even remember the last time I hooked up with a woman who wasn’t...
The Next Card is an Ace.
Rachel was dead. The shot gun blast had pretty much ripped off her face. I didn’t stick around long enough to find out whether or not the baby survived. Of course it didn’t, her belly was shot up to hell. I had myself another mini freak out. Wearing only my hospital gown, I got out of bed and left the hospital. I was still pretty hurt, but nothing I couldn’t handle at home on the...
Son of a Bitch.
Is there anything more satisfying than scratching an itchy asshole? I’m talking about one of these itchy buttholes that almost calls for an entire finger to be stuck up inside it. These kinds of things always seem to happen in public. You’re either out at the bar or walking through the mall when your asshole suddenly comes to life. It’s like a murder witness you need to silence. You’re trying...
Caught Pink Handed.
I was once caught masturbating as a young teenager. My mother and I were living in an apartment complex in San Diego, California. I forget the name, but a guy who played for the San Diego Padres baseball team lived in the same complex. Thinking back, that’s very strange. The dude plays professional baseball and lives in an apartment complex? What the hell did he do with his money? I...
Diary Entry 7.15.2010.
Another day, another turd. I actually haven’t taken a shit today, but I think it’s become clear I put zero thought in this diary. Speaking of which, can we call this a journal? At least attempt to make me not seem like a thirteen year old girl?
“Dear Diary,
I got my period today. At first I didn’t want to tell Dad, but Mom’s been dead for over 3 years now and I really have no one...
What Could Have Been.
Do you know how when a very beautiful woman is close by and you first see into her enchanting mystic black pupils, her every hooking eyelash and down her squishy cheeks? Just when it’s enough to turn you momentarily retarded, her pink lips crack apart and expose her ivory white teeth for the first time.
This smile is brand new.
It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before – a fresh...
Fetch Molly, Fetch!
I don’t enjoy being choked during sex. I experienced this for the first time about a week ago. I’m in my bed having sex with a woman, she’s on top and without warning reaches down to start choking me. It was strange. Girls aren’t supposed to do that, it’s a guy thing. Men squeeze on girls throats when they want us to. What was she going to do next, start pulling my hair? I didn’t want to...
From Dusk Till Dawn.
I had a somewhat strange experience at the bar last night. People are fucking weird. I was standing alone watching snowboarding on the TV and like anyone else I’m thinking to myself, “It all looks so fucking easy.”
Snowboarding is a bullshit sport. They’re strapped in. You can’t call yourself a bad ass when your feet are connected to your board. That’s like showing up at the skate park...
Rocky Balboa on Wheels.
I was once involved in a fist fight with another man while the both of us were wearing rollerblades. I’m not making this up. Before going any further with this story I want you to stop and picture two men fighting with rollerblades on their feet. Have you ever seen anything gayer? We may as well have been wearing lipstick and making out. Unfortunately I lost this battle, but I have a...
Can Men and Women Be Friends?
Absolutely and these men are called homosexuals. Women love nothing more than a gay man. Mostly because homosexual men will shower them with compliments and gossip for hours over the different cut-throat bitches they’d both like to see thrown under a bus. Women need that gossip. They need these compliments because without them their self-esteem will slowly dissolve into a puddle of...
The tale thickens.
Once arriving at Rachel’s swanky downtown apartment I would be offered a poisonous cape cod, a.k.a. vodka cranberry. My body would be dumped in the San Diego Bay with no way of ever being tracked back to Rachel. It’s not like she ever told anyone about me and her boss sure as shit wasn’t going to tell anyone. This is how easily a person gets clipped. It’s so easy a woman can do it. I’m...
Judgement Day.
A friend of mine has asked me to write a short story about him and seeing how I’ll do anything anyone asks me – this is it.
In my early teens my mother offered to drive me and two other friends to California. She wanted to visit an old friend, take some time off from work and waste two days driving across the desert. I was living in Corpus Christi, TX at the time and this drive is...
How to eat pussy.
Licking pussy is kind of sketchy. Correction: licking pussy is fucking terrifying. For every one woman who sucks at giving head, there are over fifty-thousand men who are even worse at licking pussy. Men suck at eating out. It’s not because we don’t enjoy it or think it stinks, but because it’s hard. Everything about a woman is fucking difficult and licking their sweet little pussies...
Happy Birthday, Bitch!
Whether or not this will be included in the book I really don’t know because I have no idea how funny it will or won’t be. I have no plan. Normally I have a slight idea of what I wish to write about, but this time is different. I’m going into this blind. I’m like Lil’ Wayne about to bust a freestyle rhyme, but instead of my lips I’ll let my fingers do all the talking. Picture me as that...
The Story Continues.
The bar I was working at unexpectedly burnt to the ground. I don’t know if Rachel had anything to do with it, but she was under the impression I owned it. Maybe the old hood rat from prison came barreling out and she burned the shit to the ground? I thought about suggesting her as a suspect, but figured it wasn’t the best way to get back in her life. Plus, I didn’t even own the bar in the...
How To Get Published.
What follows is the actual word-for-word query letter I’m submitting to various publishers throughout the United States and Western Europe.
Jesse Andrew
522 Hancock Avenue Apt. 320
Corpus Christi, TX 78404
(832) 364 – 3037
Dear (Named Publisher),
Imagine this! You’re racing home from work with a turtle head poking out of your ass and just when you finally get there, rip your pants...
things losers dream of.
Editor’s note: What follows is a short story I wrote years back. I was staying at my mother’s lake house while recovering from a broken neck. I was very high on morphine.
To be a ghetto black person. I would enjoy having no manners at all and talking to people any kind of way. If I can’t be a screenwriter it’s the next best thing. Better than being poor white trash that’s for sure. Plus if I...
Those Six Years Later With Rachel.
I’m now thirty-eight years old. I haven’t changed a bit. Direction in life is something every individual needs because without it one ends up being me. Once down in Ocean Beach I was able to find work as a bartender. The place was a total shit hole. One of those shady neighborhood bars where no one with any kind of decency would go for a drink, but if you’re in the market for that 45 to 62...