A Series Of Short Stories.

     I once witnessed my mother eating a booger. This is worse than walking in on your mom being fucked, or her having to explain your brother is dead. At least then it’s like “Yeah it was gross, but mama needs loving too and I know my brother is now commanding a battleship in outer space or some shit.”

He even has the green captain hat and knee-high leather boots (picture Mad Max meets Star Trek.) He’s calling the shots and shit, how can I be sad about that? There’s no comfort or acceptance that comes along with watching your mother dig out a slimy green boogy and grub it. Wtf? Only losers eat boogers and my mom isn’t a loser goddammit! As I write this she’s vacationing in the Hawaiian Islands and as much as I want to believe she’s snorkeling through the beautiful reefs, chances are she’s sprawled out on the beach with a pila coloda in one hand and a fat juicy boog in the other. Why would a grown woman eat a booger? Was it the first time? Did she really eat it or was this all manufactured inside my imagination? I was stoned at the time and still living at home. Like so many weeknights before, we rented a few different VHS movies from Blockbuster and ordered pizza from Pizza Hut. I was pretty much stoned from sunrise to bedtime throughout high school (this was before smoking pot gave me crippling panic attacks.) Now I can’t touch the shit unless already sauced and this combination only makes me retarded.

Anyhoo, so I’m baked and the lights are low. My mom always rented the kind of movies where if you don’t pay attention to every last detail, you have no idea what the fuck is going on with the story. Me being a stoned teenager with a very short attention span equals asking a lot of fucking questions like “Wait, what movie is this again?” and “He’s the killer, right? Yeah he’s the killer, I know it.”

Talk about annoying. On this night I looked over through my blood-shot, Chinese happy eyes, to find my mom picking her nose while watching the TV intently. Is it racist for a white dude referring to his stoned eyes as Chinese happy eyes? How else can I paint the picture? I was fuckin’ BAKED and instead of speaking, I just watched. She soon found her prize, gave it a once over and then nibbled it right in her mouth. To say I was beyond fucking shocked to see this is an understatement. I really couldn’t believe it and looked away out of fear she might see me. Did I really just witness that? There’s no way. I wanted to hit pause on the VCR remote and ask “I’m sorry, but did you just eat one of your boogers because if so I think I have to move out. I can’t deal.”

According to Wikipedia, booger eating can be a result of obsessive-compulsive disorder or schizophrenia. Did my mother have a split-personality of a 3 year old baby? Would she piss her pants next? My head was spinning and I’ve long since dismissed the situation to me being entirely too stoned and seeing shit that wasn’t real. I honestly can’t say if she was eating a booger or just biting her nails. She was picking her nose, there’s no doubt about that, but whether or not she grubbed a boog will remain a great mystery to me until on my deathbed. Unless of course she admits it on hers.

Only time will tell because I simply can’t deal with the fact my own mom would eat one of her boogers. She was just biting a nail.

     Every mommy I’ve ever had sex with has a loose pussy. Conquincidence? I think not. Men hate this because we have to think in order to cum and everyone knows thinking & sex don’t mix (you’re a chick.) Sex for women is different than sex for dudes. Never once are we worried our assholes look weird or if our dickholes might queef. Men don’t like to think during sex because it either makes our dicks limp or reminds us of how little we’re enjoying it. Nobody likes having to think themselves into an orgasm and that’s what loose pussies do - make men think of something else arousing enough to cum to. With that in mind, I’m guessing after giving birth to a child, a woman worries her cooze is too loose, and if not, she should be. Why do you think the Kegel Exercises exist? To tighten loose pussies! Every mommy in the world should do these and especially single mothers (this could be why they can’t keep a man.) Dudes typically avoid chicks with kids and a loose pussy on top of that is a major deal breaker. No one’s trying to wait until the kids fall asleep to fuck a junk pussy and that’s exactly what a loose pussy is: garbage.

I bring this up because I was recently having sex with my girlfriend, who has a pussy so tight she can probably piss clear across the street, and I almost started crying because I know one day it’s all over. Like any other woman, she’s going to want me to put a ring on her finger at some point and then fill her tiny tummy with babies (of course in the process the sex dies.) I cannot put into words how amazing this woman’s pussy feels, taste and smells - it’s like some kind of wonderful rare flower that only grows in the deepest, darkest, place in the jungle that I get to stick my dick in. Naturally I’m fucking her everyday and now worried I’ll loosen it up, but what am I to do? Only have sex with her every other day, avoid doggy style at all costs, or suggest she start doing the Kegel Exercises now? Then what, she has a baby and I forever resent the little bastard for killing Mommy’s pussy for Daddy? It’s no wonder most dudes hate kids; they’re little pussy destroyers! That’s why I’m like fuck kids.

I’m joking of course, I dig kids, but worried I’m going to destroy this girl’s coochie. What I mean is, I want her to stay like this FOREVER. The other night we couldn’t even get it in for 5 minutes. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? Remember the controversial film KIDS? Now I get why Telly only fucked virgins - it’s the tightly bound pussies! My girlfriend isn’t a virgin, she just has the magical combination of being tiny in general and her numbers are very, very, low. She’s basically a mythological creature at this point. She’s a Disney cartoon; she’s Snow White! So what the fuck am I supposed to say when she looks down and sees me crying during sex? That’s women shit! I can’t wipe my eyes and then mumble, “because I’m killing your pussy.”

This isn’t a funeral, it’s just sex and I just want her beautiful pussy to stay just like it is.

     What follows is the rules for boyfriends as they relate to girl’s lives:

1. The initial phase of denying all other worldly concerns while you get fucked constantly can last for three months, after which you have to return all friend communications.

2. If your friend asks you to hang out, she is asking you to hang out, not you and your boyfriend.

3. You know what your friend has to say if you ask “Can I bring my boyfriend?” which makes it not a question at all, which puts you in violation of the second rule.

4. Presumably you want stuff to remain good with your boyfriend so how about spend a few hours apart every once in a while so you have something to say to him about a thing in the world other than whatever season of TV you are watching.

5. If you have to “check in” with your boyfriend before hanging out, the offer to hang out is rescinded.

As an added bonus here are the pros and cons of girls who tell their boyfriends what to do…

PRO: Some guys seem to really want to know what shoes are most situationally appropriate, it turns out. Sometimes alpha-beta dynamics just include some bossy bitch who will, a few hours after the movie she decided on and talked through and didn’t pay for, be tied up and gagging (like, in a way that she wants, I mean.)

CON: Listening to anyone be even borderline cruel to the person they are supposed to love, but don’t seem to particularly like, is a dog whistle for people who aren’t in hateful compromised relationships. Like married people don’t even notice some girl telling her boyfriend to go wash his hands, but the rest of us are like “Did you the fuck hear what she just said? Is he her kid or something? Gross.”

And last, but certainly not least - SEMEN. The jizz (gross word) of a guy you like tastes better than a vanilla milkshake. Don’t be a fucking child.

Yours truly did not write said rules, that be the work of Kate Carraway (she’s amazing, click here.)

My job is to write the rules of girlfriends as they relate to guy’s lives and what follows is just that.

1. The same rule as before applies here with a slight change: after eating your new girlfriend’s pussy non-stop for three weeks (three months my ass) you have to start hanging out again.

2. Only married men are allowed to tell their wives “I love you” in front of another man. Hearing a dude say this to his girlfriend makes us all want to vomit, period. No exceptions.

3. You are never allowed to be rude/cruel/disrespectful to your girlfriend in public. If you must put your chick in her place, save that shit for the car. No one on earth wishes to hear this and it only makes your relationship look like a death sentence (and you a huge douche.)

4. Watching TV. Eventually you’re going to pull your mouth out of your girlfriend’s crotch and remember of other things in life you enjoy. Guess what? She hates everything you watch (if she says she doesn’t, she’s lying.) If your chick sucks your dick, she gets to watch whatever she wants, always, so just give up and relax because some of this shit isn’t bad. I like Revenge, fuck you.

5. If another woman hits on you, tell her. Women want what other girls have and your girlfriend knowing other women want you only makes her want to fuck you that much more. Chicks are raging, jealous, psychopaths and you need to abuse that at all costs.

I’m still on the fence about PDA (public displays of affection.) Good Lord, I feel like a fag for writing that. I’ll follow in Kate’s footsteps and give you the pros and cons.

PRO: Most girls love it. Chicks want everyone within eye-shot/ear-shot/everybody on the planet, and their cats too, to know a dude loves them and finds them irresistible. I realize this shit leads to great sex so when I see a dude being extra lovey-dovy in public, I’m like do that shit, SON! Happy female mindsets lead to happy wet pussies and your cock shoved inside it. Yay!

CON: Your single friends (who aren’t getting laid) don’t want to see this shit, ever. PDA only reminds your single buds of how much their dicks hate their guts for going home alone every night. Plus shoving this shit in their faces 24-7 only leads to less phone calls when it’s time for the bar.

And last, but certainly not least - periods. I don’t get why dudes hate these because I’m pumped when this time comes around. I’ve cheated God for an entire month of fucking without using a condom! Hell yeah! And don’t be an asshole, no girl wants a dick in her mouth while her pussy is bleeding.

There it is, the rules of boyfriends and girlfriends by yours truly and Kate Carraway. My frozen lasagna is about finished cooking so my job here is done.

     My girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend is having a hard time; the break-up wasn’t easy for him. Like other women when clipping their loser boyfriends, she gave him the classic excuse of “needing time alone.”

We all know this is bullshit; everyone knows that. When someone says this, what they really mean is, “I need time away from YOU!”

It’s over dude, you’re clipped. From what I’m to understand, she left him because it didn’t seem as if he would ever have his shit together. Women need to know their teammate is a man with a plan. Whether or not the plan ever comes to fruition doesn’t matter at this point, the important thing is for the man to prove he’s doing everything in his power to make this plan happen.

Anyhoo, I believe this was the downfall of their relationship. A few months after the break-up I asked her out for a drink and basically erased his existence in the process. I’m not trying to piss in my own pocket, just stating the truth. It’s very much over between them.

So the other night I’m cuddled up on the couch with my new girlfriend watching TV and her Blackberry comes to life with a text message from the ex-boyfriend. He wanted to say he was sorry, wish us the best and hopefully I would be the man to give her everything he couldn’t (pretty standard really.) He was trying to prove how mature he can be. I know, because I’ve done this myself. Up to this point she had ignored all of his previous text message attempts to get back in her life, even to the point of him resorting to sending her sister and father text messages asking about her “sitch.” The sitch being me. Were we together or not, whatever. I don’t understand this text messaging other family members angle shit; it’s just creepy to me.

So she asked for my advice and I suggested she simply say thank you for the best wishes and wish him the same in return (this being the necessary closure he so desperately needs.) Naturally if it were up to me, I would have told him to beat it and lose my girlfriend’s phone number, but girls don’t want to hear that shit. She followed my nice advice and of course he flips out because he finally got the conformation that she does in fact have a new boyfriend (me.) His next message was filled with calling her a liar for claiming she needed time alone and a plea for her to please delete him from her Facebook friends list because he can’t bare to see her with another man (like he can’t do this himself.) Keep in mind this relationship has been over for months. Has he never heard of pride or dignity? Fuckin’ delete her ass yourself and move on! I’m tying to remain bias here, but I don’t get his angles. Text messaging her family members and begging for her to delete him from Facebook, wtf? I’m sure I’ve done plenty of pussy-shit when heartbroken myself, but ew dude, find your balls. Resort to a simple “fuck you” and move on. If nothing else, at least she’ll always remember you for having balls and never once came crawling back. This is pride and men are supposed to be filled with it. Fuckin’ step back, take a deep breath and end your own life, or go to the bar, or whatever it is you do when depressed. Don’t ever ask, “can you please delete me from your Facebook friends list.”

Jesus Christ. At this point in my life words mean everything and hearing another man say something so gaylordish gives me the dry heaves. Fuck being bias, fuck being nice. Could this dude be anymore of a pussy and that beings me to my point - I’ve been that pussy before. Emotions get the best of dudes when breaking-up and we do/say stupid shit. We will do/say/act anyway to get that pussy back in our mouths and what follows is the ten rules of breaking up written by yours truly.

Enjoy!

10. No fucking. I know you think this is a sure shot back in her life, but it isn’t. In reality all this does for a woman is prove how over it truly is. Unless you’re dating a simple-minded whore, sex for women is all about connecting and clearly your dumbass hasn’t been connecting with her for shit lately - she dumped you. Trying to fuck her at this point is only going to prove what a shithead you are. Plus you’re going to be so goddamn happy to be back inside her, you will more than likely blow your load in three seconds. No fucking! The best possible situation is to let her be and hopefully she’ll sleep with a dude even worse than you are. Hopefully she will feel like a cheap, lonely, whore and come crawling back finally realizing how good she had it with you (does that ever happen?) It sounds good to me. No fucking! Let some other drunken idiot blow his load on her thigh and in the process make her want to vomit. She’ll be back in no time!!!

P.S. This only works if your chick isn’t a slut. If all she knows of happiness is having some dude’s cock shoved in her ass, than do whatever it takes to do that shit.

P.P.S. What do you see in this woman?!

9. No texting. Duh. Fight this shit. Fight it like someone is trying to murder your mother. Here’s a trick: write her number down somewhere and then go delete it from your phone. This will ensure of no drunken text messages (trust me, you look like a desperate asshole) and your mind will remain at ease because you know her number is safe at home in case you ever need it. This sounds silly, but trust me, it works. Deleting her number completely will only fuck with you mentally because we both know you’re not the edgy “I don’t give a fuck about nothing” person you’re trying to be in these times. Cutting her off completely will put you in panic. Leave her number somewhere, but never use it. Soon enough you’ll be trashing that shit and truly not giving a fuck. Plus the fact you’re not contacting her is the best thing you can do if wanting her to miss you. Bitches want what they can’t have and you’re proving you don’t want her dumbass.

8. Jacking off. Dude, I know. All you want to do is jerk off to every time you ever had sex with her, but don’t. Get on the Internet and find slammin’ hot sluts doing everything your girlfriend would never do with you. Maybe she was against doing butt stuff? In that case jump on the Internet and find the prettiest girls you’ve ever seen in your life abusing their assholes like the shit will bring them a baby and white picket fence. Or maybe your chick wouldn’t give you a blow job? Wtf? You should have dumped her ass a long time ago, but the same rule applies: find beautiful girls being gagged and deep-throated until the mascara is running down their teary cheeks and they’re face looks like its been held underwater. This is no time for feelings. Fuck feelings. This is FUCKING and fucking only. Jerking off to a slow bone with your ex will only make you want to commit suicide and dudes that clip themselves over chicks are forever seen as huge pussies. Absolutely no one will respect you at the funeral. No jacking off to resent ex-girlfriends!

7. Clothing. Fuckin’ shave, wipe your ass and put together a clean outfit. Don’t look like a brokenhearted loser because chances are you will see her. Karate men bleed on the inside and although you’re fuckin’ dying inside, make sure you look legit on the outside. This way if you do in fact see her, she’ll be like “Oooooooh, I wanna suck that guy’s dick!!!”

I’m joking of course, but looking like shit will only confirm that’s what you are. Plus I know it sounds gay, but looking good makes you feel good. Don’t wallow around in your own misery, you’re not a pig and this isn’t shit. Fuckin’ pull it together and dress like man who’s getting laid tonight (even though you will more than likely go home drunk and bawling your eyes out) but no one needs to know that.

6. No sluts. Try not to fuck anyone immediately. Stick to jacking off for a week because who the hell knows. Maybe you get back together and the fact you instantly poked your dick in some random hole isn’t going to sit well with your chick. Give it one week. After that you can fuck. A break-up isn’t real until a week has passed because until then it’s no more than a serious fight and only shitheads fuck other girls in this time. Give it one week! After that you can go rail the slammin’ hot bartender you’ve been jacking off to for the past seven months.

Is jacking off to other girls while in a relationship cheating? Of course not, don’t be a twat.

5. Facebook. Fucking Facebook. Ugh, I hate that this shit has become so involved in everything, but it has. You’re going to spend hours looking at her profile, investigating what pictures she’s commented on and desperately searching for any clues of her fucking somebody else. I know, because I’m just as fucking guilty of this nonsense. It’s not healthy, believe me and here’s the rule: delete YOURS. Don’t worry, you can get it all back at a later date - Facebook saves this shit, but for now you’re over it. If anyone asks why, tell them you’re trying to read more, be more creative with your free time and waging a war against procrastination. Anyone who argues that statement is a fucking moron. Trust me, you’re legit and once wanting Facebook back it’s only a click away. Right now you’re all about liberating yourself from the constant stalking Facebook offers the brokenhearted.

4. Booze. Fuck yeah! Is there anything more enjoyable than going out to the bar when experiencing relationship problems? Yes of course, I can think of about a thousand, but it’s still pretty fun (unless you’re an unstable drunk.) If drinking leads to a murder/suicide don’t do it, but there’s nothing wrong with getting shithoused drunk on Sunday night, calling in Monday morning and laying around on your fat ass eating pizza all day. Celebrate gluttony like it’s your birthday, you deserve it. Go to poetry readings, see bands play, visit art shows and be drunk through it all - just get the fuck out of your apartment. Use taxis, ride with friends, use common sense and be smart, but be sauced. Eventually you’ll wake up and think to yourself enough is enough, it’s time to get back to my life.

3. Friends. Avoid hers. If one of your homies is homies with her, don’t call that nappy-headed nigga up no mo’. The less she knows about you the better (never let her stop guessing.) Hanging out with mutual friends only leads to conversation centered around the current sitch and you eventually contacting her - don’t. Those aren’t your friends anyway, they’re spies working for the other team. Showing them how heartbroken you truly are will only lead to a smile on your ex-girlfriend’s face and fuck that. Men have too much pride for this shit. If she’s gone, they’re gone, fuck her friends and yours too if they still bend to her will.

2. The new man. This shit sucks. Sure you can go fuck three different chicks in one weekend, but the second she finds a new dick your world is over. Goodbye sleeping, goodbye food - hello cigarettes, hello booze! Knowing some other dude is sticking his fat cock in your ex-girlfriend’s tight pussy is enough to make you want to kill Jesus. One million crazy thoughts will pass through your mindset and here’s the rule: do nothing. Hucking a brick through her bedroom window isn’t going to help matters and slashing his tires won’t make him disappear. It only makes you look like a tool who can’t deal. All you can do is pray he gets her pregnant right off the bat, and in turn destroys the entire relationship, or pulls out to blow his nut in her face without asking. You’re praying to whatever God you believe in that this dude is an insensitive prick because if not - you don’t exist. Just like Marty McFly disappearing in the photograph, you’re gone. Do nothing and HOPE (it’s all you can do.)

1. Don’t take her back. Fuck that. If she doubted you once, she will for the rest of her life and she’s only back in the first place after talking herself into it, a.k.a., all other roads were a dead end. Shake her ass and break her ass! Kick that bitch to the curb. Couples that break-up will always break-up, don’t waste your time. Chances are she won’t come back until the second you’re finally over it (women are great at this) and allowing her to pull this shit only proves you have no backbone and she’s fucking a jellyfish. She will walk all over you for the rest of your life. Never forget there are other beautiful slammin’ hot sluts in the sea and this bitch isn’t a fish at all - she’s a worm trolling for men she can use.

Yay!

You’re a man and them be the rules of breaking up with a chick. Follow these shits and you’ll be a hero among other dumped men. They will now have someone to look up to and all of their ex-girlfriends will want to fuck you.

     The worst thing I’ve ever heard a woman say to me is, “It’s okay, maybe 3rd time’s a charm.”

My dick wouldn’t work right (for the 2nd time.) The first time I had sex with her, I had a buzz on and said something so funny neither of us could stop laughing and of course in the process we were both pulled out of it. The second time I was full-blown drunk and knew deep down in my heart all the fucking in the world wasn’t going to make me cum. The prettiest, most pinkest, butthole in the crack of the most slammin’ doodoo bomber, diaper, slicer, means nothing to me. The fact I managed to even get my dick hard should have won me a 1st place ribbon.

Anyhoo, I would have gladly licked her coochie until my tongue fell off, but women can only take so much of that shit. Eventually enough was enough, she could see my dick was finished and ever so sweetly mumbled, “It’s okay, maybe 3rd time’s a charm.”

This is bad. This is fucking horrifying. The woman thinks something is clearly wrong with me and I’m unable to perform sexually. Let me explain something to you about women: you HAVE to cum. There MUST be a finish. If you don’t fuckin’ blow your balls somewhere, either in a condom, down her throat, or across her belly, she will lay there afterwards wondering what the hell is wrong with her.

“Why can’t I make him cum?!? Am I not pretty enough??? Am I not good enough?!?!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!”

You think I’m joking, but I’m not. You HAVE to fucking cum, but these first two times I was either drunk or forgetting this isn’t stand-up comedy and I’m supposed to jizz here. Women need to make their man cum so they can sit there thinking, “There, I did that. This bitch is right there where I want him.”

So twice I didn’t finish and she tells me it’s okay as if I’m fucking retarded and can’t hit the baseball off the t-ball stand.

“It’s okay Jimmy, we still love you.”

No. Fuck that! It’s not okay. I’m not a fucking charity case! I’M A MAN GODDAMMIT!! I laid there making immediate plans to have sex with her the second I woke up in the morning sober. If she says no, fuck that, I’m raping her. My manhood is on the line here! Thankfully she didn’t put up a fight and I had morning sex with one & only goal in mind - CUM! As fast as fucking possible. This isn’t about her, this is all about my dick, proving he loves pussy and resting her pretty little head to the fact I am in fact wildly attracted to her and last night was just a booze flook. I have a very vivid imagination and once out of it, I’m through. Booze increases this. For the most part, I just want to go down on girls when I’m wasted. I find this more enjoyable. When a man is shitfaced drunk pussy taste like blood money. Pussy taste like how maybe Rambo felt when shooting that huge-ass machine gun with that headband tied around his head. Pussy taste like being a total fucking bad ass. I have no idea if I’m any good at it, but I try to make my tongue flat and lick like a puppy eating ice cream.

So yeah, after she whispers “It’s okay, maybe 3rd time’s a charm” and crawls off me, I felt about as small as Legos and wanted to die. I wanted to fall through my bed, through the floors below and smash my head down on the concrete. I wanted Satan to reach up and grab me with his claws. Fuckin’ light me on fire and let me burn forever. I’m fucking worthless. I’m scum. Take me Lucifer. Let hell laugh at me. Let them cut my dick off and stuff it down my throat.

Anyhoo, you get the point - I felt like less a man. Thankfully the sun eventually rose, my buzz wore clean and soon enough we were both as pleased as pigs in shit. Everything was normal again, she adores me. I proved I’m still a man (you can just wipe that up with a t-shirt.) It will be nothing but JAY-Z songs for the rest of the day.

If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I’ve got 99 problems, but blowing my shit ain’t one.

I’ve rose up from the ashes and blew my seed in her name. There, I did that. Drop your tiny head in my chest and tell me how you’re sore. Don’t ever let that pussy doubt me again, ever. Fuckin’ booze. I sometimes forget it’s only meant for a nice warm buzz and not to be consumed like Gatorade. Only 19 year old dude’s can drink 8 shots of Jagermeister and then go fuck all night. Of course they suck at it, but that’s not the point.

So anyhoo, that’s my story.